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Making Successful Changes

By Ellen & Daniel Borowka

I’m sure you’ve had times in your life when making a change becomes a big challenge. Perhaps you want to change how you deal with certain situations or a part of your lifestyle like your diet or exercise. Change is very difficult no matter what we want to change. We start out with good intentions then for one reason or another; we go back to the way we’ve always done something. So, how do we make changes that stick?

What is blocking change?

Well, the first piece of the puzzle is looking at what is blocking the change. Sometimes, we just want a problem to disappear, so we make changes as a “fix-it” solution. Fix-its are rarely good changes as they are usually based on unrealistic or unreasonable expectations of a situation or ourselves. Like those times, when we may have stopped eating altogether to lose some weight or took a vacation to fix a troubled relationship. First, it helps to take a realistic view of the situation to be changed and have an understanding of the limitations and strengths involved.

Understanding our limitations

For example, if you want to change a troubled relationship, whether family or work, one should have realistic expectations of both one’s self and those involved. It would be frustrating and unhealthy to expect to be able to change another person or control the relationship to make everyone happy. We can only change our own behavior and ourselves. It’s important to have a balanced perspective of the situation. We can’t expect to make magical changes or to ‘save’ those around us. At the same time, we should not try to underestimate our strengths and abilities. If you have trouble evaluating the situation, then be sure to get feedback from unbiased and supportive friends, counselors or clergy.

Finding our focus

Sometimes, we want to change something that is so big that we feel overwhelmed. So, we end up either trying to put band-aids on this big problem or give up altogether. It’s helpful to focus only on parts of the problem and take one piece at a time. For example, let’s say an individual doesn’t feel good about him or her self. If that person would try to change everything at once, he or she would probably give up. An alternative would be to pick one thing to change, like shyness, and focus on that first. However, whenever making changes in one’s self, please get a realistic viewpoint from others. We are often very demanding of ourselves and may try to change what doesn’t need changing at all. This violates our true self – our style and sense of being, because we deny who we are. Sometimes, the change we have to make is appreciating who we are and that is a big change!

What are my motives for change?

Once you have focused on to a specific and manageable problem, ask yourself some questions about it. Why do you want to change it? What about the situation do you want changed and why? What are you expecting to get out of this change? At this point, motives for the change need to be examined in depth to see if they are healthy reasons. For example, if you want to lose weight to please others or because you don’t like yourself, then there may be bigger issues at stake. Look at what is underneath the problem and ask yourself, “What is really bothering me about this situation?” These issues need to be looked at. Otherwise, the change would only be at the surface, and surface changes do not last very long nor solve the real problem.

Taking small steps to change

Next, consider one small step you can take to begin the change process. An old Chinese proverb says, “The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” Change is much easier and less scary when it is done in small steps. For example, to work on shyness, one might begin by saying hi to the neighbors or the cashier at the supermarket and work up to small, light conversations with others. Then eventually build up to possibly joining a club and participating in activities or committees. The key is taking small steps in change, rather then overwhelming, sweeping changes. A good example of small changes is when I wanted to get back into doing artwork, but froze when I sat down in front of the blank canvas. So, I started out with using crayons and letter-sized paper, and just making shapes and using different colors together. I told myself that the end result doesn’t matter (lessening expectations and self-judgement), and what was important is the experience of creation (refocusing on the true need). This made the process less intimidating so I could get back to something I loved so much. From those small steps, I moved on to using different materials and techniques while feeling more confident in my artistic abilities.

Slow change creates significant progress

Once you have discovered a good small step – put it into action. Depending on severity of the problem, one may need to start out very slowly with the first step and repeat a few times for significant progress to be made. For example, if one is very shy, the first step might be repeated once or twice a week, and work up to doing it daily until one feels more comfortable to move onto the second step.

Celebrate and record your progress

After each step, celebrate your small step even if you feel the result was not as you expected. Remember that when you first started learning something new, like riding a bike, you probably didn’t do it perfectly. It took patience, practice and perseverance. Celebrate your courage, the experience of change, and your desire to take care of yourself. It is important to celebrate and appreciate yourself when you are in the change process. Record your progress and achievements. This can instill a sense of accomplishment as well as help to identify any further trouble spots in your progress.

Support is a necessity

Most of all, support is crucial during change. Seek support and feedback from understanding friends and others. Find a friend who shares your goals so you can help each other in making changes. Recognize that change is very hard and scary. As I said previously, we are very demanding on ourselves. We expect ourselves to be perfect and handle everything with ease. In actuality, we are human. It is ok to struggle and to be afraid as long as we don’t allow the fear or obstacles to block our progress. Give yourself support by challenging self-criticism, and telling yourself nurturing statements daily. Some examples of a nurturing statement are, “I appreciate myself for who I am” and “It’s ok to be imperfect.”

Fear of failure

Finally, a big obstacle for change is our natural fear of failure. There are two quotes that can give us perspective on failure. The first is, “Failure is never final! The only time you can’t afford to fail is the very last time you try. Failure does not mean we should give up; it just means we have a reason to start over.” (Don Shelby) The second, by Samuel Johnson, “Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance.” We may get frustrated or disappointed, and yet, we need to venture on in spite of these obstacles. Change comes through with patience and determination to overcome the challenge that has confronted us.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Dana Borowka, MA, CEO and Ellen Borowka, MA, Senior Analyst of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC with their organization constantly remain focused on their mission statement – “To bring effective insight to your organization”. They do this through the use of in-depth work style assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. They also have a full service consulting division that provides domestic and international interpersonal coaching, executive onboarding, leadership training, global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training, operational productivity improvement, 360s and employee surveys as well as a variety of workshops. They have over 25 years of business and human behavioral consulting experience. They are nationally renowned speakers and radio personalities on this topic. They are the authors of the books, “Cracking the Personality Code” and “Cracking the Business Code”. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

Get Real!

By Dana Borowka

How often have you ever said or thought… “Get real”. What a challenge those set of words can conjure up in one’s mind. Being authentic can bring a number of mixed messages based on what we base our sense of reality on. One of the definitions for “authenticity” includes “genuineness or truth of something”. For example, a genuine book is that which was written by the person whose name it bears along with relating information as to what really happened.

What are we being genuine or authentic to? When we search for the authentic self or request others to “get real”, what are we truly requesting? Are we asking others to view life as we do, and then that would then usher in “reality” into their life? That may be the case in some situations. However, if we are not offering some level of empathic understanding in our daily walk, what kind of connection are we making with others? Whose book are we requesting others to accept as the “genuine” way to “be”?

Viktor Frankel was a psychiatrist and a survivor as a prisoner of war in several Nazi concentration camps. He wrote a number of books about his experiences and the search for the meaning of life. One of his observations I found to be very interesting and wanted to share it:

“Therefore man is originally characterized by his “search for meaning” rather than his “search for himself”. The more one forgets oneself – giving oneself to a cause or another person – the more “human” he is. And the more one is immersed and absorbed in something or someone other than oneself, the more he really becomes “himself’. Just consider a child who, absorbed in play, forgets himself – this is the moment to take a snapshot. When you wait until he notices that you are taking a picture, his face congeals and freezes, showing his unnatural self-consciousness rather than his natural graciousness. Why do most people have the stereotyped expression on their faces whenever they are photographed? This expression stems from their concern with the impression they are going to leave on the onlooker. It is “cheese” that makes them so ugly. Forgetting themselves plus forgetting the present photographer plus forgetting the future onlooker would make them beautiful. Forgetting themselves and overlooking themselves…. The humanness of man is most tangible when he forgets himself and overlooks himself!”

So, when we want others to get real, what is the basis for our request? I’m not sure if anyone can answer such a request with a completely “honest” answer. Rather, we may decide to challenge our sense of reality by asking questions that might include: Am I sharing my inner talents at work and at home? What do I value from deep within myself; and am I expressing those talents with those around me? Or am I just marching through time because…. What is the ‘because’? Why do we do what we do and what is our motivation? Who are we smiling for – the onlooker, the photographer… who are we modeling for? If we were to simply “play” as a child, where we would express our inner self, what would we be doing – how telling that could be. Think about that one for a moment.

Deep questions for a deep topic…. So the next time we ask someone to get real, what reality are we asking them to align with. Ask yourself, “What am I aligned with?” Is it to help someone to fulfill a jointly shared vision, goal or objective or just trying to get a point across? We’d love to hear from you on this topic.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Dana Borowka, MA, CEO of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC and his organization constantly remain focused on their mission statement – “To bring effective insight to your organization”. They do this through the use of in-depth work style assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. They also have a full service consulting division that provides domestic and international interpersonal coaching, executive onboarding, leadership training, global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training, operational productivity improvement, 360s and employee surveys as well as a variety of workshops. Dana has over 25 years of business consulting experience and is a nationally renowned speaker, radio and TV personality on many topics. He provides workshops on hiring, managing for the future, and techniques to improve interpersonal communications that have a proven ROI. He is the co-author of the books, “Cracking the Personality Code” and “Cracking the Business Code”. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

Hiring Sales People & Attracting Top Talent!

By Dana Borowka

In this day and age, making the wrong hiring decision can cost you $50,000 to multiples of millions of dollars!! That’s a high price to pay, and it’s a conservative figure when you factor in the emotional pressures of training, evaluation, termination and then starting the hiring process all over again. By refining your hiring process, you can turn hiring into a profitable and successful venture.

Creating an Effective Recruitment Program

There are several steps to creating an effective recruitment program. The first starts with the basics – the job description. Many companies don’t even have job descriptions for their positions and that’s one of many hiring pitfalls. It’s very difficult to describe a position to a candidate, without having it well defined. The next problem with job descriptions is that they are usually not definitive enough. It’s important to detail the expected job performance outcome, and be very specific in what is needed and expected. The job description should have 30-, 60-, 90- and 180-day objectives, so the candidate has a clear understanding what is expected for the job. Be sure to review and update job descriptions regularly, as company needs and expectations for a position are bound to change.

The next step is to define where to recruit candidates or target your recruiting process. Now that you have an idea of what you need and expect for the position, where do you find this treasured person? There are many resources: Referrals, recruiters, ads, college placement centers, .com listings, etc. Of course, referrals are usually one of the best sources for candidates and giving out the job description to business associates and friends may reveal the perfect candidate. When working with recruiters, it is very important to be as specific as possible to avoid your time being wasted with unqualified candidates.
The same is true for ads so that the ad is as definitive as possible. College placement centers are not only good for recruiting college grads, but usually have facilities to list positions that require extensive experience too. They can be especially helpful if they are in close contact with the alumni association.

Resumes, Resumes… Piles of Resumes

Soon in your hiring process, you will be faced with a big pile of resumes. Look for resumes that are specific to your needs and notice the presentation style, which will tell you a great deal about the candidate. It is helpful to decide what the priorities are for the position and look for those first in the resumes. Once you have settled on a few resumes, we suggest the two step approach to interviewing. The first is the telephone interview, which can save you valuable time and effort. Ask the candidate a set of specific questions, such as: Why are you interested in this position? Please describe three key attributes that you have to offer to our company? Give me one significant program that you had an impact on in the last six months? Listen carefully to the candidate to see if the response fits the job description. This process allows the candidate to earn a face-to-face interview.

Interviewing – The Art of Listening

When interviewing in person, it is important to listen and not let emotions take over. The candidate should talk about 80 percent of the interview and the interviewer only 20 percent. The goal for interviewing effectively is to note their thinking patterns, and not get caught up in appearances, impressive schools or companies. During the interview, questions that are more specific are helpful in making successful hiring decisions. Some examples are: What significant impact have they had at three or more companies on their resumes – ask for specifics, percentage of change; Please describe in detail what brought about the change; What was their process, from A to Z? and ask how the candidate would handle a specific problem that you have seen in the position.

Identifying the Inner Traits of a Candidate & How to Best Manage the Individual

Once a candidate has been selected, then the most difficult part of the hiring process begins – reference checking. Many firms find professional organizations helpful when making background checks. Yet, as the old saying goes, “You never know someone until you work with them, travel with them or live with them”. Through in-depth work style and personality testing, you can reduce the possibility of making a hiring error. An in-depth assessment can identify inner traits of a candidate if the appropriate assessment is selected.

The following are some things to think about when reviewing various work style & personality profiles:

Training or degrees required for interpretation of the data. Weekend training programs can be problematic since testing and human behavior is a very complex subject. When making hiring or internal decisions, organizations need as much information and understanding as possible as the consequences can be very costly.
A copy of the resume should be supplied to the testing company to review when discussing the assessment results. We suggest to make sure that the testing company uses resumes as part of the process when reviewing the assessment on a candidate.
Scale for “Impression Management” to understanding accuracy of results and if someone is trying to ‘fake good’. The questionnaire needs at a minimum of 164 questions to gather enough data for this scale.
Common warning signs: When a representative uses absolute statements when describing human behavior, like ‘People are all the same’ or ‘People don’t change.’ This will convey what their level of understanding of the human personality is. Or when someone claims that their profile is 98 or 99% accurate, which rarely can be clinically supported. If you hear this, ask how the data was collected.
Career Matching: Some organizations claim to know what the perfect “sales person” or “secretary” is from a personality perspective. Ask how many careers and occupations have been studied; is the data base validated by outside organizations or only by “applied in-house studies”. “Ideal” is very difficult to define due to the variance of geography, job history and education. What is most important is if the individual has a similar thought pattern that meets the criteria within the job description.
Number of clinical studies conducted by major universities and there should be multiple studies for validation purposes.
How long has the profile been used – what is the history.
How often is the normative database updated and where is the data coming from. (For example, U.S. Census 1990, 2000)
Cultural bias – is it built into the profile and for which countries.
Does the profile meet U.S. government employment standards? Has it been reviewed for ADA compliance & gender, culture & racial bias?
Reading level required (5th grade English, etc).
Number of profiles administered.
Number of actual primary scales as defined by the “Big 5” testing standards. Many tests will claim to have more scales than they actually have – this can lead to misrepresentation of data.
Does the data provide the depth necessary, to understand how an individual is wired inside?
Validity, reliability and basis.

These are some general questions and if a profile falls short in any one area, we strongly suggest additional research into the accuracy of the data being generated.

Legal Guidelines & Other Important Stuff

A common inquiry from companies and organizations is about the legal guidelines in providing assessments to candidates. Since industries vary, it is always best to check with a trade association or a legal representative. The general rule is that a test or any set of hiring questions needs to be administered to all final candidates in order to assure that discrimination is not taking place. More information may be found at the EEOC website, in the Disability-Related Inquiries and Medical Examinations of Employees section.

Another question is how do new hires usually feel about taking an in-depth work style assessment. It shows that a company is serious about who they hire. If the company presents the testing program as a method of assuring both parties that they are making the right decision, the individual usually responds very well. The bottom line is that hopefully turnover is greatly reduced.

An in-depth assessment can be very helpful for personnel development and succession planning. As a hiring tool, they can be used to develop additional questions for interviewing and confirming the interviewer’s intuition that might be overlooked. This process gains more reliable and accurate data in order to effectively manage individuals to make hiring and personnel decisions a win-win for everyone.

If you are a hiring manager and would like to see a sample of an in-depth work style and personality profile or get more information, please contact Dana Borowka at Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC, (310) 453-6556, extension 403 or email at dana@lighthouseconsulting.com.

The key to onboarding is to understand what the individual needs in order to be successful. The information collected from an in-depth work style assessment can be used as a caching and management tool in order to reduce the learning curve and help the individual hit the ground running!

As you have seen, a successful hiring program requires many components that work together to provide the needed information for difficult personnel decisions. Combining a well-defined job description, targeted recruiting and focused interviewing with an effective in-depth work style and personality evaluation program, turns hiring into a profitable and rewarding process.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Dana Borowka, MA, CEO of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC and his organization constantly remain focused on their mission statement – “To bring effective insight to your organization”. They do this through the use of in-depth work style assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. They also have a full service consulting division that provides domestic and international interpersonal coaching, executive onboarding, leadership training, global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training, operational productivity improvement, 360s and employee surveys as well as a variety of workshops. Dana has over 25 years of business consulting experience and is a nationally renowned speaker, radio and TV personality on many topics. He provides workshops on hiring, managing for the future, and techniques to improve interpersonal communications that have a proven ROI. He is the co-author of the books, “Cracking the Personality Code” and “Cracking the Business Code”. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

Six Ways to Improve Interpersonal Communication During Unstable & Challenging Times

By Dana & Ellen Borowka, MA

Have you ever had miscommunication with your employees or co-workers that resulted in costly errors?

[dropcaps type=”circle” color=”” background=””]I[/dropcaps]t’s been said there is a significant difference between hearing someone speak to you and really listening to what they say. Most managers consider themselves to be good listeners. But is that really the case?

Being a connected manager requires that you suspend judgment of your subordinates’ actions or reactions while you try to understand them. Personality assessments provide a great deal of clues. Sometimes, you will need to read between the lines of what they say. Next comes gentle questioning and probing, to clarify what is going on. The goal is to understand and not to judge.

Joe’s Story

To illustrate, here is the story of Joe (real example, but not his real name). Joe is a production manager for a furniture manufacturing firm, who oversees about 50 employees that work in teams of 5-10 in manufacturing cells. His primary responsibilities are meeting production quotas, and interacting with the customer service and shipping departments. The general manager became aware that these departments were encountering difficulties meeting quota and shipping schedules due to production problems in Joe’s department.

Since Joe has been with the company many years, the manager requested that we work with Joe to identify why these problems were taking place. We found that Joe’s communication style was harsh and vague with his teams. In turn, they focused on his poor communication rather than the task at hand. They would take his instructions “as is” and work on the assignment with limited information instead of asking questions to clarify the process. The results were reduced production, increased safety violations and poor workmanship.

This situation is not uncommon to most business people. Yet, Joe seemed to have a hard time accepting the problems that management was pointing out to him. In order to illustrate Joe’s growth areas, we had him take an in-depth work style/personality assessment, which identifies not only areas for an individual to improve upon, but also strengths and personality traits. We have found this to be a valuable tool in assisting employees to gain insight about themselves. When Joe reviewed the profile results, he discovered the same growth areas that the management team was focusing on. He then became more open to exploring ways to resolve the problems.

Becoming a Connected Manager

One of the first points we worked on with Joe was how to listen effectively to others. A primary cause for poor communication is poor listening skills, where the listener fails to take in all the available information, and instead relies on his or her own assumptions. Joe found that by using active listening, where one paraphrases what he or she thinks the other person is saying, that he was able to avoid this kind of miscommunication with his teams. We encouraged Joe to avoid interrupting others and to ask more questions to ensure better understanding. Effective listening ensures that both the listener and the speaker end up on the same page.

Another cause for ineffective communication is poor speaking skills where the speaker provides vague and incomplete or emotionally charged information to the listener. We suggested that Joe use “I” statements when speaking to his teams. By using I statements, Joe was able to take responsibility for his comments while clarifying his thoughts. An example of an “I” statement, “I feel under a great deal of pressure when you give the client a due date without checking with me first, because there may be some difficulties meeting that deadline.” “I” statements are composed of three elements: The “I” helps the speaker maintain the responsibility for his or her feelings or observations; the “when” gives a specific example for the other person; and the “because” provides the reason for why the speaker is concerned by the situation. “I” statements help the speaker to avoid being vague and accusatory with others.

Others can also interpret poor communication as a lack of respect and empathy. Joe discovered that he was unintentionally showing disrespect to his staff through his harsh communication. We suggested that Joe meet with his staff to discuss any problems and find some solutions. This created a sense of common goal – a shared need they all want and can agree upon, which encouraged teamwork rather than alienation.

The general manager and employees were very pleased by the positive results from Joe’s communication training. Customers are receiving their orders on time; accidents have decreased; workmanship has improved so production returns have decreased; and incentive bonuses were awarded to the plant. Proficient communication is not by any means the easiest thing to do. It takes practice, patience and respect, yet the benefits can be immense.

Six Tips to Better Communication

For most managers, this does not come naturally. Here is how to apply this in your world. These six tips will help you become a better listener, communicator and manager.

Use in-depth work style/personality tests as communications tools. Personality testing gives the manager and employees a common language about how they like to interact. The assessments can help you train future managers on how to get the best out of the team.
Practice active listening — An active listener is ready and willing to really hear what the other person has to say. When you actively listen, you pay close attention to the speaker and don’t just wait until they get done talking, or worse yet, interrupt them. Paraphase back to the person to check in that you fully understand what is being said.
Enter the listening zone. When a subordinate approaches you to discuss something, go into listening mode. Do what it takes to minimize distractions, look the speaker in the eye, and make a decision in your head to really listen. If you know their personality type, then think what their style of communication is.
Seek to understand first. Pay close attention to what the subordinate is really saying, both the words and the feeling behind them. Watch the speaker’s body language. Instead of interrupting if you have a question or comment, write it down so you can remember it for later.
Show empathy. Empathy, the ability to know and feel what others experience — is the foundation of being a connected leader. Managers in industries ranging from health care to high tech are realizing benefits to their team’s productivity when they show empathy.
Hold your reactions. Have you ever seen someone react negatively to what you say without saying a word? Even if you disagree with the subordinate, do not react negatively by shaking your head or putting on a big frown. Instead give positive cues like smiling, maintaining eye contact, and leaning toward the speaker

We all want to be understood. Employee buy-in comes when a manager is able to listen attentively, understand them as people and to lead naturally. There’s an old saying, “Coming together is a beginning, keeping together is progress, working together is Success!” Effective communication not only saves companies money, but also increases their bottom line return.

Dana Borowka, MA, CEO of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC and his organization constantly remain focused on their mission statement – “To bring effective insight to your organization”. They do this through the use of in-depth work style assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. They also have a full service consulting division that provides domestic and international interpersonal coaching, executive onboarding, leadership training, global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training, operational productivity improvement, 360s and employee surveys as well as a variety of workshops. Dana has over 25 years of business consulting experience and is a nationally renowned speaker, radio and TV personality on many topics. He provides workshops on hiring, managing for the future, and techniques to improve interpersonal communications that have a proven ROI. He is the co-author of the books, “Cracking the Personality Code” and “Cracking the Business Code”. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

Feeling Burdened?

By Dana Borowka

How many days go by where you feel burden free? Any? Even for a moment? Most of us tend to feel pretty loaded up with all sorts of stuff on a regular basis. Most can’t even imagine what life would be like if we didn’t have all that “stuff” that literally creates a whirl wind of activity. Imagine what it might be like to not feel burdened with worry, anxiety or fear for even one moment. Some people can’t imagine such a thing. While others seem to find a space… for a moment of peace, calm or centeredness.

Some might ask, “Can anyone ever be at peace?” The answer is found individually. It depends on how closely we identify with who we truly are. If we are constantly reminding ourselves of all the things that we need to do, then we are just running from one thing to the next without some level of fulfillment or an inner purpose. The odds are that we will continue to move from one crisis to the next… if we do not try to be aware of our actions. Remember, it is not the activity that is causing the disturbance – it’s the fact that we are identifying with the worry, the fear, the ‘whatevers’ that are causing the suffering. And you might be passing this energy onto others in your life whether they are work colleagues, family members or those we stand in line with in the market.

So what can we do when we are feeling anxious or burdened? Is it possible to change deeply ingrained thought patterns and how long could that take? It doesn’t necessarily take a great amount of time. Yet, you do need to become aware of what you are identifying with when you are get worried, anxious, fearful, etc. Once this takes place you have begun the change. Then you have a choice. Whether you want to continue with that false identity or re-identify yourself in other ways. This awareness can help to prevent past emotional issues from controlling your thinking and taking hold of your life and actions with others. The old identity may continue to arise and show itself. It may even cause you to identify with it at times and blur your self vision.

Facing our self identity can be a direct confrontation with what you believe is “you”. It is not easy to look into the mirror of our own being nor is it necessarily an enjoyable thing to do. Yet when the pain or discomfort becomes overwhelming then that tends to shed some light on the underlying causes. Your core being is very capable of dealing with what may seem to be very difficult issues within us. Some people may feel that they are “defective” or unworthy and may justify staying in the pit of despair. That is nothing more than a culmination of our old identity holding on for dear life. The more you hold onto the old, the greater the volume can become to avoid change.

A friend once gave me a cotton seed that had blossomed. It caused me to think of an analogy which I call the “seed and the pod” of our identity. The pod is a protective shell for the seed that will protect it until the soil condition, the temperature and such is just right. The pod may have many things take place that might seem to impact it – gravel may rub against it, it may get washed to a different location, the wind might carry it else where. Yet the seed is not touched by these difficulties for it is always protected by the pod. When the time is right then the seed will begin to do its thing. The roots start to come out and the amazing sprouting process takes place. The seed begins to expand beyond the pod. The same is true for each of us. Our seed – our core being is always protected and cared for. When the time is appropriate we will begin to awaken, to test the soil, to question. At the right moment, we will begin to expand beyond our original identity (our own pod) and we will realize that we have always been ok… never damaged, never unworthy. We will see that we have always been safe (protected in our pod) and we will prepare ourselves to do what we need to do. Upon taking action, the burden that seemed so natural and normal takes on a different meaning and a whole new world will open up. A world of calm, peace and tranquility that we thought was only a distant possibility will now be within our grasp.

So when the time is right to take action, how do we begin to work through an issue? Well, I find it helpful to ask some questions to break down the problem:

• What bothers me so much about this situation? Try to dig beneath the various emotions to get at what the true focus is.
• When have I seen this come up before in my life? Look at specific events in your life.
• What am I doing that is not working and what am I doing that is working? Explore what your part is in the issue.
• What would my ideal outcome look like? What results are you looking for and are those expectations reasonable and attainable?

Now, we get to the action part of the process. It can be very easy to ruminate about a problem without taking any steps to heal it. Goal setting can be very helpful in making progress with issues. When you make goals, it is more effective to make them specific and measurable. Goals are easier to achieve when you break down the process into small steps that are detailed with time lines.

So, are you feeling burdened? Just the fact that you are asking the question is the beginning of a whole new journey of unfoldment and discovery of the seed that is within. A seed that is filled with many facets and a vastness that one can’t even imagine. With or without the burdens of today, you are unique to yourself and others. Embrace your uniqueness, question the burdens and value the protective pod as well as the seed within.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Dana Borowka, MA, CEO of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC and his organization constantly remain focused on their mission statement – “To bring effective insight to your organization”. They do this through the use of in-depth work style assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. They also have a full service consulting division that provides domestic and international interpersonal coaching, executive onboarding, leadership training, global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training, operational productivity improvement, 360s and employee surveys as well as a variety of workshops. Dana has over 25 years of business consulting experience and is a nationally renowned speaker, radio and TV personality on many topics. He provides workshops on hiring, managing for the future, and techniques to improve interpersonal communications that have a proven ROI. He is the co-author of the books, “Cracking the Personality Code” and “Cracking the Business Code”. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

Building Self-Esteem: Taking it one day at a time

By Ellen W. Borowka

Here is an adage to consider: “It’s not what you are that is holding you back, it’s what you think you are not.”

Many people, regardless of their background, education and such, wonder occasionally, “What is my purpose? Why am I here?” These are important questions. We all want to feel needed and that we bring vital qualities and talents to the world. Yet, it is also hard when we don’t feel we have much to offer. It is easy to think of life as a daily struggle, and the world as just a place to survive. We can get to the point where we just try to get through the day, and we forget to fully live life. Music legend John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.” So, what plans are we allowing to get in the way of life? And how do we want to change so we can enjoy life more?

Lose That Excess Baggage

Many times, what gets in the way of enjoying life is a lack of trust in ourselves as well as a poor self-image. As we go through life, we usually pick up some baggage and that can really weigh us down. We can start to carry a great deal of anger, disappointment and false beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. Some of those false beliefs can include: “I’m not good – smart – pretty/handsome – special – perfect enough;” ”There’s something wrong with me;” “I don’t deserve good things or people;” “I’ll always fail at what I do;” “I’m just lucky when I succeed;” “I need something or someone to be ok;” “I have to be right – perfect – good … always;” “It’s someone else’s fault for my problems;” “It’s hopeless;” “I can’t trust anyone;” ”I have to save/help others at my own expense;” and “I must always come first.” Of course, this is only a partial list of some of the ghosts that can haunt us through each day. In the words of the late author and motivational speaker Zig Ziglar, “That’s just stinkin’ thinkin’.”

What Gets In The Way

What obstacles get in the way of making changes and growing through our issues? I recently saw a segment on 60 Minutes that looked at an old psychological study on prison life (known as the Stanford Prison Experiment), where college students enacted a fake prison with some as prisoners and others as the guards. While this study is controversial, what was interesting was that both the prisoners and guards forgot who they truly were. They almost immediately embodied the roles they were given. The guards became abusive and cruel, while the prisoners felt trapped and hopeless. In fact, the college students never realized that they could or should stop the abusive interactions during the study. They forgot they had an option to refuse to continue their roles. While there may have been some personality tendencies for the students involved to be abusive or submissive, this example shows how we can easily take on the characteristics and beliefs of the environment. We can get conditioned to give up, feel trapped and stop trying. We can even forget who we truly are and embody qualities from the situations we grow up and live in. Yet, we usually have choices, even when those choices are hard. As someone once told me, when a door slams shut, look around for an open window – another open possibility. So, what are some steps to making changes? What can we do to break out of that prison?

Tips For Building Self-esteem, One Day At A Time

Here are several tips for building self-esteem:

Manage the emotions – anxiety, hurt, disappointment, guilt, and anger – and don’t let them take control. It is hard to try something new or make changes if we allow our emotions to dominate. That does not mean we ignore the emotions, but to work through them. For example, if you have a hot temper then be sure to take timeouts and do not allow yourself to say something in anger. Better to say nothing then to destroy, once again, a relationship you care about. If you struggle with high anxiety, then get support to face difficult situations and take small steps to making changes. Writing, drawing, making collages, or discussing problems with others are good ways to managing emotions. There are also many good self-help books on this subject, so choose what feels right for you.

Be honest with yourself about flaws in yourself and others. Look at your part in those problem situations and what you could do differently. Chip away at the old behaviors and find small ways to change. An example could be pleasing others to control them. You could learn to be more direct for what you want or need. Or rationalizing one’s moodiness where instead you could develop guidelines for minimizing the moods and how they impact others.

Be the best you can be to yourself and others. As “Dear Abby” advice columnist Abigail Van Buren once said, “The best index to a person’s character is (a) how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can’t fight back.” It is extremely easy to be loving and kind to those who are loving back or can give us something we want or need. A good way to be our best is to look at our motives. What do we want out of the situation? What is driving us?

Find a balance between work, relationships and private time and do not allow just one to dominate. Many people depend so heavily upon their work or relationships to define who they are. It is important to expand our horizons by nurturing all aspects of our lives, whether developing a hobby, going to a play, or taking a community college class. We need to be able to feel more comfortable with ourselves when we are alone, with others or at work.

Let go and forgive resentments, anger, and betrayal because it is vital for healthy relationships and a healthy self. It can be extremely hard to forgive, but carrying hate and sorrow is pretty damaging to the soul and body. Many people keep score on what others do or do not do in their personal and business relationships. This is very destructive and only deepens the wounds. Regardless of the offense, eventually it is necessary to let go and forgive.

Forgiving and accepting yourself with all your perceived imperfections. Constantly beating yourself up for your weaknesses is not going to help you to become a better person. It sounds like an old cliché to say to love yourself more, however that is exactly what we must strive to do every day. Some people have not grown up in homes where we have learned to love ourselves. Quite to the contrary, we learn how to obsess on our flaws. That needs to be changed and there are ways to show love to ourselves. One way is to take one weakness a week and make it ok to have that weakness. Strive to replace each self-criticism with a loving positive statement to yourself. For example, if you are overweight – learn to be more supportive to yourself. If a friend had a similar problem, how would you talk to that friend? Probably more caring and loving then how you talk to yourself. Strive to balance out the obsessions of the negatives with accepting statements.

Explore and discover why you do what you do. Ask yourself questions to gain more insight. For example, after an upsetting situation, ask yourself what really upset you about what happened and keep asking until you get to the bottom line. You may be surprised why something or someone really bothered you. Seeking support may be needed to help gain new perspectives and ideas.

These are just a few ideas to help with the healing process so we can learn to trust in ourselves more and improve our relationships. If you get stuck working on an issue, do not hesitate to turn to others to work through the problem. Support from friends, family, clergy, and counselors is very helpful in overcoming our obstacles.

Learning To Fly

Finally, here is a story that expresses how we forget to trust our natural talents and qualities. We have a sweet cockatoo that struggles with the need to fly and her lack of trust in her natural flying abilities. She seems to both like and dislike this activity. When we pick her up, she tries to avoid this subject by running up to our shoulders. That way we cannot hold her up to see if she would like to fly. However, many times she will take off suddenly and fly quite gracefully. Afterwards, she always sternly squawks at us as if to say, “How could you let me do that? You know I can’t really fly!”

So, I leave you with this thought: How often do you convince yourself that you cannot fly, when you really can? To quote what President Abraham Lincoln said 160 years ago: “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” The same can be said for self-esteem. Happy flying!

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2021 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, Santa Monica, CA, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires and staff development. LCS can test in 19 different languages, provide domestic and international interpersonal coaching, and offer a variety of workshops – team building, interpersonal communication, stress and time management, leadership training as well as our business consulting for higher productivity. Our team of inter-disciplinary specialists are ready to help raise the effectiveness of critical functions in your organization such as sales, customer service, operations, and IT.

Ellen Borowka, MA, Senior Analyst and Co-Founder of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC, constantly remains focused on the mission statement: “To bring effective insight to your business.” Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC does this through the use of in-depth work style and personality assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC can test in 19 different languages, provide domestic and international interpersonal coaching, and offer a variety of workshops such as team building, interpersonal communication, and stress management. Ellen has more than 20 years of data analysis and business consulting experience and is the co-author of the books, Cracking the Personality Code, Cracking the Business Code, and Cracking the High-Performance Team Code. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Managing Your Anger

By Ellen Borowka

Anger is a big problem for many people. It’s a very powerful emotion. We see that in the destructive ways some people handle their anger. From violent crimes to domestic violence to everyday home and work situations, anger is very unpredictable. It seems to explode almost out of nowhere. So, it’s not surprising then that we have almost an instinctive fear of anger.

First, it may be helpful to understand that anger is not the same as violence or rage or being out of control. For example, when someone explodes with anger, this is just one way – a destructive way – to deal with one’s anger. And there are many other equally unhealthy ways, but none provide the satisfaction we hope for. Anger is simply one of our basic emotions, just like joy and sadness. If we start by thinking of emotions as neither good or bad then we can change how we interact with our anger. What is important is how we do or don’t express anger. That is what gets us into trouble.

It’s helpful to get a sense of what anger is all about. One definition is that anger is a strong passion or emotion of displeasure that is excited by a sense of injury or insult. So, there is usually an element of hurt involved in anger. Injury and anger are the two sides of the emotional coin: We seldom feel angry without also feeling hurt (insulted, injured) to some degree, and we seldom experience hurt without feeling anger (displeasure, hostility, and irritation). The same can be true of fear, fear ties closely to anger just like hurt. One reason for this is that one can feel weak and powerless when feeling hurt or fearful, whereas one usually feels powerful and strong through anger. So, anger seems to be an easier emotion to tolerate.

Another definition describes anger as a strong surge of feeling marked by an impulse to outward expression and often accompanied by complex bodily reactions. Anger is so insistent to be expressed that if we do not voluntarily express it in healthy ways, the emotional system will make endless attempts to express it in any possible way, including destructive and painful ones.

There are many different ways people deal with their anger, which are very unhealthy. The following are some of those ways:

Unfocused Anger: This is when we take our anger out on whoever or whatever is nearby. It’s the classic “kicking the trashcan because you’re mad at your spouse” maneuver. People may do things like beat up their car or yell at their secretary when actually they are mad at someone else. This kind of anger gets passed along too, like when the husband yells at the wife, who yells at the kids, who yells at the family pet.

Suppressing Anger: Another unhealthy way to deal with anger is when we stuff it down, bury it or mask it with other emotions. Suppression doesn’t complete the anger and in fact, seems to put the whole emotional system in a state of suppression. Our emotions don’t operate independently of other emotions, any more than our organs function in isolation from each other. So when we suppress one emotion, then we suppress them all to some extent. When we suppress our anger, it may feel like it’s gone, until something triggers the memory of the incident that is the source of the stored anger. Then the anger comes to the surface in full force until we can bury it again.

Anger Filter: When we store up anger, this can become a filter between us and the outside world, which colors everything as hostile and scary. We begin to see the world as cold and unfriendly where we have to guard ourselves against others. This filter also distorts our messages to the point where others hear our anger more than our love or support. This filter acts as a wall that alienates us from others.

Anger Wants Out: No matter how much we bury our anger, it will find a way to come out. It may create a physical illness like ulcers or a mental one like depression, guilt or a form of fear. Somehow it will dig its way out.

Parental Influences: Just like many other things in our lives, our style of anger was shaped and formed by different influences, and being able to see those influences helps us to change our style. One influence is our family. Most of us learn our emotional responses from our parents. We start learning ways to act and react when we are very young. We may copy our parents’ and others’ behavior. If Dad yelled alot or Mom bottled up her anger or Grandpa was always irritable, we may think this is how people deal with their anger and we may do likewise. If we were taught that anger is bad then we may deny our anger. Or we may look at how our parents handled anger and decide to respond in an opposite way, but not necessarily a much better way.

So, now that we have a better understanding of our anger, it’s helpful to become more aware of what triggers it and how we can handle it. The first exercise looks at the current sources of anger and how we express it. Make three columns, title the first column,”What I’m Mad About…”, the second, “The Way I Show My Anger”, and the third column, “Why Do I Feel So Angry” then make a list under each. In the third column, consider what is going on underneath the anger. You probably feel hurt, what’s underneath the hurt? What expectations and needs are being neglected?

The second exercise is to help you to explore what anger is to you. Write at the top of a piece of paper, “Anger is…” then list out your beliefs, perceptions, and concepts you have about it. What you believe about anger will impact how you deal with it. If you believe that one should never, ever lose one’s temper, then that will influence how you express or suppress your anger. Next, look at where you learned these beliefs and your style of expressing anger. Explore the roots of your anger and hurt by asking yourself, “What does this situation remind me of from my past?” If we feel betrayed by a friend, perhaps someone from the past has done something very similar. Past anger and hurt usually fuels current anger and hurt.

Now that you have explored your anger, what do you want to change about it? Write some things you want to change and make a list of small steps to make the change you want. Implement the first step and continue with that until you feel ready for the next one. Some small steps might include taking 30 minute timeouts, walking around the block, and writing, drawing or sculpting your anger out. The last step continues your exploration of anger, which helps to manage it. Journal or use clay, paints or collage to create a picture of your anger. Always seek support and a realistic perspective from friends, counselors or clergy when dealing with difficult situations.

I have found the following quote to be very helpful in understanding anger, “…if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another…” – Galatians. Don’t let anger take over and devour all that is good in your life. When we let anger consume our lives, then we lose the essence of life.

This article contains some modified concepts from “Freedom from Anger” by Dr. Roger Daldrup and Dodie Gust.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Ellen Borowka, MA, Senior Analyst of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC and her organization constantly remain focused on their mission statement – “To bring effective insight to your organization”. They do this through the use of in-depth work style assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. They also have a full service consulting division that provides domestic and international interpersonal coaching, executive onboarding, leadership training, global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training, operational productivity improvement, 360s and employee surveys as well as a variety of workshops. Ellen has over 15 years of data analysis and business consulting experience and is the co-author of the books, “Cracking the Personality Code” and “Cracking the Business Code”. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

Success at Work Starts with Understanding

By Ellen & Daniel Borowka – Excerpt from Cracking The Personality Code

Have you ever looked carefully at a seed? It’s really amazing to see what is in a little seed. This may help us to learn more about what is inside of us and those we work or live with. For in some ways, we are much like the seed and its growth process.

A seed is made of an embryo, that is, a baby plant that has all it needs to grow, develop, and blossom into what it was created to be. The embryo has the materials to develop its leaves, stems, and roots to gather needed nutriments from water, light, minerals, and such to produce food and pro-vide support for itself. That’s what we’re like when we’re born. We have all we need to be who we were created to be—all the unique qualities, talents and knowledge that is needed in the world.

The Seed and the Pod

Now the seed has another part that it needs for its growth, and that’s its seed covering or pod. The pod provides protection, support, and nutrition to the seed during the growth process. It provides food for the seed until it can produce food on its own, and protects it from harsh elements in the environment. We also have something similar to the pod in our lives to help protect our seed from harm and support it during our growth process. We tend to look at the seed and pod in much like our true and false selves. The true or real self, like the seed, is the life-giving core of our being. The real self holds all the beauty and light of whom we are—it is the soul of the individual. The true self also has our entire real feelings and thoughts, feelings, and thoughts that may not be acceptable to those around us.

This is where the pod or our false self enters the scene. Like the pod, the false self protects and hides the real self from harsh elements of the environment. The false self responds to the demands, beliefs and possible abuse from our parents or caretakers, family, siblings, peers and other places and people that impact us as we grow. The false self takes on the mistaken beliefs, misguided directions, and sometimes harsh treatment we experience as we are growing up so our true self is never touched. The false self or pod becomes our mask, our facade to the outside world, to conceal and defend our true self, our little seed.

The Pod within Us

The pod, as we become older, begins to be written on by all the things we are told: all our experiences—bad and good—and all the wounds we gather throughout our life. Our pod may have written on it that we are worthless or bad or stupid. We may believe that we are good at certain things, but bad at other things like math or communication. We may think we should not show anger, fear, or pain to others. We may believe that people are not to be trusted or that confrontation is bad. There are many beliefs and ideas that our pod or false self takes in and learns from others. Some might not like the false self, because they think it keeps them from their seed. Actually, though, the pod has kept our seed safe until the time is right for the growth process. Once again, the seed’s growth process can help us to understand our own growth process, our discovery of ourselves.

Preparing for Growth

The seed will only grow and break through the pod when the environmental conditions are right, when there is just the right amount of warmth and moisture present around the seed. If the environment is too dry or has unfavorable temperatures, then the seed will not come out of its pod. This allows the plant to survive during periods when plant growth is not possible. It’s the same for us! Our seed, our real self, is wise and does not allow itself to be in an environment that cannot support it or care for it. So, the seed waits until the time is right—until we are ready and able to have the support, internally and externally, for our seed to grow. This preparation time is very important so we can begin to let go of our pod with all inscribed beliefs and thoughts that do not belong to us and never did.

Some might say they have always been ready to let go of their pod. Yet, it takes honesty and courage to face what is in our pod and to see it is not who we truly are. This means we have to see that those who gave us these beliefs or hurt us were wrong. That is not to say these people were bad, for they learned these misguided ideas from their experiences, too, and they just didn’t know any better. That’s not always easy to accept about our parents, family, or loved ones. This growth process is not easy either. It takes much work, dedication, and willingness to look at some difficult issues.

A Story of Wheat and Weeds

Now, the seed can’t just come out of its pod all at once, but it happens slowly at a gradual pace so that the growth is strong and sure. That means it’s okay to allow elements of the pod to remain around the seed until you are ready to let go of those parts.

This process is like the story of a man who planted some wheat in his field. Then during the night, the man’s enemy came and planted weeds among the wheat. When the wheat began to come up through the soil so did the weeds and the man’s servants asked him if they should gather up the weeds. The man replied, “No, because while you are gathering up the weeds, you might uproot the wheat with them. Rather, let both grow together. Then at harvest time, we will gather the weeds first, bind them together and burn them. Then we will gather the wheat into my barn.”

In the meantime, if you have an issue written on your pod, like a hot temper or fear of confrontation, you can develop healthy and healing ways to deal with the issue. Then as one grows and discovers more about their seed, the elements in the pod will naturally fade.

Self-Discovery

In the plant’s growth process, first a root comes out of the pod to test the environment and the seed begins to build its root system to support the plant. Then the seed forms its leaves and stem to come up through the soil to the sunlight. That’s what our seed does, too. First, our seed will build a foundation of who we truly are—our values, our ideas, our beliefs—to support our being and growth process. Then when the foundation is laid and our roots are firmly in the ground, we begin to break through the surface and our being begins to shine to the world. We discover who we truly are in just the right time and just the right way.

A good exercise to begin or further your awakening process or your team’s is to write down on a piece of paper a list of all that is within your seed and what is written on your pod. You might want to draw and write about these qualities in depth. Look at where the elements of your pod came from, where you learned them, and what triggers these in you. You could also make a collage about your seed and pod using pictures, words, and sentences from magazines and newspapers to get a full picture of your growth process.

Everyone Is Unique

It’s important to recognize and appreciate our unique qualities. It takes effort and persistence to travel through this process, but remember your seed and pod have all they need to do the work. All that is required is already within you, and that’s pretty amazing—just like the plant’s little seed.

Appreciating Personality Diversity

Now that you understand your own personality better, take a look at those who work for you. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone who worked for us had the exact same personalities that we do? No, it would not.

The most effective managers appreciate the diversity of their subordinates’ personalities. That’s the view of Management Professor Scott Williams, a business school faculty member at Wright State University in Dayton, Ohio.

“Personality diversity can make communication and coordination of activities more difficult at times, but diversity has its advantages,” says Dr. Williams. “Diverse groups that give the extra effort to understand and accept each other’s personalities tend to produce higher quality decisions than groups that are either (a) homogeneous or (b) don’t manage their diversity well.”

According to Dr. Williams, appreciating the diverse personalities of the people we interact with helps us to understand why they act the way they do and how to get the most out of them. Appreciating personality diversity means respecting the strengths and limitations of each individual, and knowing how to capitalize on each individual’s strengths.

In his online newsletter LeaderLetter, Dr. Williams states that appreciating personality diversity is the opposite of dogmatically expecting everyone to view situations the way you do—no matter how successful you have been using your approach. We don’t all think alike, but that’s often a good thing.

“People with different personalities have different inherent strengths and weaknesses,” adds Dr. Williams. “For this reason, the best groups are made up of members with diverse personalities who learn to appreciate and put to use each other’s strengths. Managers should promote an appreciation for personality diversity. Discussions of personality inventories, especially when facilitated by an expert, can be an effective way to foster such appreciation.”

Before you use in-depth work style assessments for self evaluation or to manage others, you need to select the right instrument. The profile needs to include areas that explore problem solving and stress patterns, leadership and organization style, things to guard against and probing questions to assist with the self evaluation process.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Dana Borowka, MA, CEO and Ellen Borowka, MA, Senior Analyst of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC with their organization constantly remain focused on their mission statement – “To bring effective insight to your organization”. They do this through the use of in-depth work style assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. They also have a full service consulting division that provides domestic and international interpersonal coaching, executive onboarding, leadership training, global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training, operational productivity improvement, 360s and employee surveys as well as a variety of workshops. They have over 25 years of business and human behavioral consulting experience. They are nationally renowned speakers and radio personalities on this topic. They are the authors of the books, “Cracking the Personality Code” and “Cracking the Business Code”. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

Is Your Relationship in Troubled Waters?

By Ellen Borowka

Are you having problems in your relationships? Then perhaps conflict and communication is not being handled well. This article may be able to provide some ideas for healing your relationship with your partner as well as to harmonize your other relationships. These thoughts can assist you in pinpointing problem areas in your relationships.

Relationships commonly have certain conflict and communication problems that prevent a couple or even a friendship from relating in a healthy and supportive manner. There are four basic problem areas that people find themselves struggling with in their relationships.

1. Withdrawal is a pattern in which one partner shows an unwillingness to get into or stay with important discussions. Withdrawal can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as tuning out or shutting down during an argument. However, if conflict is likely to escalate to the point of physical violence, then withdrawal is necessary to keep both partners safe. If physical violence is a part of your relationships, we urge you to seek help. The flip side of withdrawal is the partner who feels impelled to pursue the withdrawn partner. This starts an endless cycle where the more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws and on and on.

2. Escalation occurs when partners negatively respond back and forth to each other, continually upping the ante so that conditions get worse and worse. Negative comments spiral into increasing anger and frustration, hostility mounts and partners will often try to hurt each other by hurling verbal (and sometimes physical) weapons. Escalation can be very subtle – voices don’t have to be raised for this vicious cycle to begin. Softening one’s tone of voice, focusing on feelings vs. issues and acknowledging the partner’s point of view are powerful ways to short circuit escalation.

3. Invalidation is a pattern in which one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings or character of the other. Sometimes such comments, intentionally or unintentionally, lower the self-esteem of the targeted person. Invalidation is extremely damaging to a relationship and leads to mistrust and alienation. It is one of the best predictors of future problems and relationship breakdown for it is toxic to the well being of a relationship. Showing respect for each other, ownership of feelings and underlying issues and emphasis on validation is some ways to prevent invalidation. Remember that you don’t have to agree with your partner or friend to validate him or her.

4. Negative Interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. Negative interpretations are very destructive, in part, they’re hard to detect and counteract after they have become cemented into the fabric of a relationship. The old saying, “ You believe what you see and see what you believe” is very true of this problem. One who negatively interprets the actions of the other will look for proof to back up their beliefs. This problem needs to be confronted within one’s self, which can be very hard. To do this, first ask yourself, are you being overly negative in interpretation of your partner’s actions? Second, look for evidence that is contrary to the negative interpretations you usually use. And finally, ask yourself if there may be any personal reasons for maintaining this pattern. Perhaps you learned a certain style of thinking while growing up or maybe there’s another reason. Self-reflection can be difficult, but helpful in uncovering unresolved issues.

Now that you have had a chance to learn about the basic problems in relationships, set aside some time to explore the patterns within your relationships. Study each problem area and look at your relationships. Are you and your partner or friend interacting in these patterns? Ask yourself when, how, and why do these patterns arise in your relationship? What feelings are coming to the surface and are there any other feelings beneath those? Think about what issues or situations might be triggering these patterns and what you or your partner might feel you both are accomplishing with these patterns. Finally, where did you learn these patterns and how has that impacted the way you relate to others? It’s important to write down detailed answers to these questions. If you and your partner feel comfortable, answer these questions separately then discuss them together.

Additionally, effectively managing conflict is important to maintaining the relationship. First, take time-outs when an argument becomes destructive, and reschedule the discussion to a better, and hopefully, calmer time. Time-outs should be at least 30 minutes long, though some individuals find taking up to 24 hours to be helpful in calming the situation down. Don’t allow the conflict to become destructive as that can severely destroy the trust and love in the relationship. Second, establish a conflict contract between your partner and yourself on what is okay and not okay during an argument. Be specific in your contract. Some points to consider: No name calling, blaming, hitting, throwing things or threatening to break-up in anger. Finally, practice active listening with your partner or friend, where each of you take turns listening and paraphrasing what you understand the other is saying. This will help the both of you to develop empathy so you can understand why you each feel the way you do.

It’s not easy to look at these issues. In fact, it can be rather scary to look at the troubled waters that your relationships have sailed into, but I hope these ideas will help you to get closer to calmer waters. If your relationships are severely distressed, do not wait until it is too late to get help. There are people available to help you whether that be your clergy, friends or a counselor. Support from others is so important when working through difficult relationship problems.

The above article contains some modified concepts from the book, “Fighting for your Marriage” by Drs. Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2017 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Ellen Borowka, MA, Senior Analyst of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC and her organization constantly remain focused on their mission statement – “To bring effective insight to your organization”. They do this through the use of in-depth work style assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. LCS can test in 19 different languages, provide domestic and international interpersonal coaching and offer a variety of workshops – team building, interpersonal communication and stress management. Ellen has over 20 years of data analysis and business consulting experience and is the co-author of the books, “Cracking the Personality Code” and “Cracking the Business Code”. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development. LCS can test in 19 different languages, provide domestic and international interpersonal coaching and offer a variety of workshops – team building, interpersonal communication and stress management.

Preparing Your Organization Now For The Recovery: How to Tap into Your Best Resource

By Dana & Ellen Borowka, Excerpt from Cracking the Personality Code

[dropcaps type=”circle” color=”” background=””]T[/dropcaps]he glory of great men should always be measured by the means they have used to acquire it.

≈ La Rochefoucauld

Communication has come so far over the years. In less than a split second, we can send emails to thirty different people around the world and everyone will receive the same data. Yet the most difficult challenge that can cost organizations thousands if not millions of dollars is still miscommunication in interpersonal exchanges. It’s amazing that this one area has not changed in thousands of years. One could say to a group, “Think of a whale.” Everyone in the room will have a different vision of a whale in their mind’s eye. Similarly, the occasion for a misunderstanding can occur easily when someone is sharing an idea or giving an assignment.

A lack of loyalty and connection to an organization can develop if people feel misunderstood or not valued. This can result in turnover and the loss of top talent. We are often contacted by individuals who have graduated from top schools, have a good job history, and are looking for career guidance. When they are asked why they are looking to leave their current position, we usually hear that they do not feel valued, engaged, or appreciated. They are typically high-level performers, and the loss to their employers is costly. If organizations take time to simply manage individuals according to their needs rather than just treating them like a mechanical part, then these star performers probably would not have the need to look for other opportunities.

Each of us is a valuable part of the whole, and we need to develop an empathic company culture in order to open lines of communication for creative contribution. That leads to engagement of ideas and respect so individuals feel that they can participate in a vision. Developing a supportive environment that encourages mentoring will create opportunities for knowledge to be shared with the various generations. Additionally, this provides a creative foundation for new and exciting processes, products, and services.

Cracking the Interpersonal Communication Code

But where to begin? How do we crack the interpersonal communication code? First, include others on your team or in your department in the discussion and ask the following questions:

What is an area of your interpersonal communication that is not working as well as you would like?
Have you seen this come up before? Give an example.
What would the ideal outcome look like?
What are you doing that is not working?
What are you doing that is working?

Next, analyze the answers and look for patterns. Now you can start to develop an action plan. Be sure to utilize information from an in-depth work style and personality assessment as described in Chapter 5 that provides the eight ways to gain true insight into personality. This knowledge will illuminate a more effective way to communicate, encourage greater engagement of individuals, and contribute to creating respect, loyalty, and appreciation. The end results: enhanced retention, performance, and positive word of mouth for attracting top talent.

Over the next 10 to 30 years, finding qualified people is going to get more difficult with a predominantly maturing population. Retention of top people will be more important than ever, and positioning your organization for recruitment purposes is vital. People talk and reputations get developed very quickly through the Internet and word of mouth. How your organization communicates within itself is a good indication of how it communicates to the outside world. Putting people in the “right” position will lead to greater job satisfaction and success.

We knew one organization that placed a very high performing accounting coordinator into a sales role. This person was very unhappy and ended up leaving the company. If they would have simply recognized the skills and desires of the individual, they would not have lost a top performer. If someone is a troubleshooter, let them troubleshoot. If someone is in need of a process then strive to provide that for them. If someone is very creative then tap into it; otherwise, they could feel unchallenged and bored. When we strive to understand people’s strengths and manage accordingly, we then set them up for success. Use the information you gathered during the interview process, reference checking, and an in-depth work style and personality assessment to gain deeper insight for how to effectively work together.

A Success Story

One final story. An organization with a customer service department was not meeting the volume level they had set for inbound calls. The manager blamed the reps and identified them as “C” players. Later, this manager was placed in a different department and a new manager was brought in. This person sat down with each individual and then with the whole group. The manager utilized information collected from in-depth work style and personality assessments of the team to understand the team members.

As a team, they discovered that within twenty-four hours of delivery, calls were coming in to inquire about the time of the delivery and additional questions about the product. The team brainstormed ideas of how to reduce the inbound questions so that they could take new order calls. Together they came up with a simple idea of providing updates to the customer regarding the delivery as well as creating an information page for the typical product/delivery questions. The call volume changed dramatically. The team members were later asked why these ideas had not been suggested in the past. The response was very simple—no one had ever asked them. They had been reprimanded for lack of performance rather then asking for their input in order to solve the problem. The results were improved productivity, performance, and job satisfaction, since they now had an environment that invited participation and teamwork.

Discover Your Leadership Style

To find out what your leadership style is, you can take a quick leadership assessment by clicking on this link.

It is a very helpful tool for managers, supervisors and team members to complete and discuss with their team.

Action Items

The following are some action items to consider:

Contact Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to learn how you can use an in-depth work style and personality assessment for the hiring process, staff development, and personal growth (www.lighthouseconsulting.com).
Utilize the information gathered from in-depth work style and personality assessments to manage more effectively. This will in turn reduce the learning curve for on-boarding and help to better understand the individuals that you work with.
Place yourself and others in positions that take advantage of strengths to ensure success.
Be clear with expectations, listen carefully and paraphrase when something seems to be an obstacle for the person.
Take the time to mentor people to succeed through empathic understanding of how they might approach an opportunity or challenge, and work together to build a common bridge. You can learn more about in-depth work style and personality assessments and how to incorporate them into a hiring and staff development process for your organization by visiting our website, www.lighthouseconsulting.com. There you can sign up for our Keeping on Track publication that provides monthly proactive articles.

Dana Borowka, MA, CEO and Ellen Borowka, MA, Senior Analyst of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC with their organization constantly remain focused on their mission statement – “To bring effective insight to your organization”. They do this through the use of in-depth work style assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. They also have a full service consulting division that provides domestic and international interpersonal coaching, executive onboarding, leadership training, global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training, operational productivity improvement, 360s and employee surveys as well as a variety of workshops. They have over 25 years of business and human behavioral consulting experience. They are nationally renowned speakers and radio personalities on this topic. They are the authors of the books, “Cracking the Personality Code” and “Cracking the Business Code”. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, dana@lighthouseconsulting.com & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

Posts

By Ellen & Daniel Borowka

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Understanding our limitations

Finding our focus

What are my motives for change?

Taking small steps to change

Slow change creates significant progress

Celebrate and record your progress

Support is a necessity

Fear of failure

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By Dana Borowka

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By Ellen & Daniel Borowka – Excerpt from Cracking The Personality Code

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The Pod within Us

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A Story of Wheat and Weeds

Self-Discovery

Everyone Is Unique

Appreciating Personality Diversity

By Ellen Borowka

By Dana & Ellen Borowka, Excerpt from Cracking the Personality Code

Cracking the Interpersonal Communication Code

A Success Story

Discover Your Leadership Style

Action Items

In-Depth Work Style Personality Testing

Talent Development

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC

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