Making Successful Changes

By Ellen & Daniel Borowka

I’m sure you’ve had times in your life when making a change becomes a big challenge. Perhaps you want to change how you deal with certain situations or a part of your lifestyle like your diet or exercise. Change is very difficult no matter what we want to change. We start out with good MC900437519[1]intentions then for one reason or another; we go back to the way we’ve always done something. So, how do we make changes that stick?

What is blocking change?

Well, the first piece of the puzzle is looking at what is blocking the change. Sometimes, we just want a problem to disappear, so we make changes as a “fix-it” solution. Fix-its are rarely good changes as they are usually based on unrealistic or unreasonable expectations of a situation or ourselves. Like those times, when we may have stopped eating altogether to lose some weight or took a vacation to fix a troubled relationship. First, it helps to take a realistic view of the situation to be changed and have an understanding of the limitations and strengths involved.

Understanding our limitations

For example, if you want to change a troubled relationship, whether family or work, one should have realistic expectations of both one’s self and those involved. It would be frustrating and unhealthy to expect to be able to change another person or control the relationship to make everyone happy. We can only change our own behavior and ourselves. It’s important to have a balanced perspective of the situation. We can’t expect to make magical changes or to ‘save’ those around us. At the same time, we should not try to underestimate our strengths and abilities. If you have trouble evaluating the situation, then be sure to get feedback from unbiased and supportive friends, counselors or clergy.

Finding our focus

Sometimes, we want to change something that is so big that we feel overwhelmed. So, we end up either trying to put band-aids on this big problem or give up altogether. It’s helpful to focus only on parts of the problem and take one piece at a time. For example, let’s say an individual doesn’t feel good about him or her self. If that person would try to change everything at once, he or she would probably give up. An alternative would be to pick one thing to change, like shyness, and focus on that first. However, whenever making changes in one’s self, please get a realistic viewpoint from others. We are often very demanding of ourselves and may try to change what doesn’t need changing at all. This violates our true self – our style and sense of being, because we deny who we are. Sometimes, the change we have to make is appreciating who we are and that is a big change!

What are my motives for change?

Once you have focused on to a specific and manageable problem, ask yourself some questions about it. Why do you want to change it? What about the situation do you want changed and why? What are you expecting to get out of this change? At this point, motives for the change need to be examined in depth to see if they are healthy reasons. For example, if you want to lose weight to please others or because you don’t like yourself, then there may be bigger issues at stake. Look at what is underneath the problem and ask yourself, “What is really bothering me about this situation?” These issues need to be looked at. Otherwise, the change would only be at the surface, and surface changes do not last very long nor solve the real problem.

Taking small steps to change

Next, consider one small step you can take to begin the change process. An old Chinese proverb says, “The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” Change is much easier and less scary when it is done in small steps. For example, to work on shyness, one might begin by saying hi to the neighbors or the cashier at man watering2the supermarket and work up to small, light conversations with others. Then eventually build up to possibly joining a club and participating in activities or committees. The key is taking small steps in change, rather then overwhelming, sweeping changes. A good example of small changes is when I wanted to get back into doing artwork, but froze when I sat down in front of the blank canvas. So, I started out with using crayons and letter-sized paper, and just making shapes and using different colors together. I told myself that the end result doesn’t matter (lessening expectations and self-judgement), and what was important is the experience of creation (refocusing on the true need). This made the process less intimidating so I could get back to something I loved so much. From those small steps, I moved on to using different materials and techniques while feeling more confident in my artistic abilities.

Slow change creates significant progress

Once you have discovered a good small step – put it into action. Depending on severity of the problem, one may need to start out very slowly with the first step and repeat a few times for significant progress to be made. For example, if one is very shy, the first step might be repeated once or twice a week, and work up to doing it daily until one feels more comfortable to move onto the second step.

Celebrate and record your progress

After each step, celebrate your small step even if you feel the result was not as you expected. Remember that when you first started learning something new, like riding a bike, you probably didn’t do it perfectly. It took patience, practice and perseverance. Celebrate your courage, the experience of change, and your desire to take care of yourself. It is important to celebrate and appreciate yourself when you are in the change process. Record your progress and achievements. This can instill a sense of accomplishment as well as help to identify any further trouble spots in your progress.

Support is a necessity

Most of all, support is crucial during change. Seek support and feedback from understanding friends and others. Find a friend who shares your goals so you can help each other in making changes. Recognize that change is very hard and scary. As I said previously, we are very demanding on ourselves. We expect ourselves to be perfect and handle everything with ease. In actuality, we are human. It is ok to struggle and to be afraid as long as we don’t allow the fear or obstacles to block our progress. Give yourself support by challenging self-criticism, and telling yourself nurturing statements daily. Some examples of a nurturing statement are, “I appreciate myself for who I am” and “It’s ok to be imperfect.”

Fear of failure

Finally, a big obstacle for change is our natural fear of failure. There are two quotes that can give us perspective on failure. The first is, “Failure is never final! The only time you catching starcan’t afford to fail is the very last time you try. Failure does not mean we should give up; it just means we have a reason to start over.” (Don Shelby) The second, by Samuel Johnson, “Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance.” We may get frustrated or disappointed, and yet, we need to venture on in spite of these obstacles. Change comes through with patience and determination to overcome the challenge that has confronted us.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Dana Borowka, MA, CEO and Ellen Borowka, MA, Senior Analyst of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC with their organization constantly remain focused on their mission statement – “To bring effective insight to your organization”. They do this through the use of in-depth work style assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. They also have a full service consulting division that provides domestic and international interpersonal coaching, executive onboarding, leadership training, global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training, operational productivity improvement, 360s and employee surveys as well as a variety of workshops. They have over 25 years of business and human behavioral consulting experience. They are nationally renowned speakers and radio personalities on this topic. They are the authors of the books, “Cracking the Personality Code” and “Cracking the Business Code”. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, [email protected] & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

 

Get Real!

By Dana Borowka

How often have you ever said or thought… “Get real”. What a challenge those set of words can conjure up in one’s mind. Being authentic can bring a number of mixed messages based on what we base our sense of reality on. One of the definitions for “authenticity” includes “genuineness or theater mantruth of something”. For example, a genuine book is that which was written by the person whose name it bears along with relating information as to what really happened.

What are we being genuine or authentic to? When we search for the authentic self or request others to “get real”, what are we truly requesting? Are we asking others to view life as we do, and then that would then usher in “reality” into their life? That may be the case in some situations. However, if we are not offering some level of empathic understanding in our daily walk, what kind of connection are we making with others? Whose book are we requesting others to accept as the “genuine” way to “be”?

Viktor Frankel was a psychiatrist and a survivor as a prisoner of war in several Nazi concentration camps. He wrote a number of books about his experiences and the search for the meaning of life. One of his observations I found to be very interesting and wanted to share it:

“Therefore man is originally characterized by his “search for meaning” rather than his “search for himself”. The more one forgets oneself – giving oneself to a cause or another person – the more “human” he is. And the more one is immersed and absorbed in something or someone other than oneself, the more he really becomes “himself’. Just consider a child who, absorbed in play, forgets himself – this is the moment to take a snapshot. When you wait until he notices that you are taking a picture, his face congeals and freezes, showing his unnatural self-consciousness rather than his natural graciousness. Why do most people have the stereotyped expression on their faces whenever they are photographed? This expression stems from their concern with the impression they are going to leave on the onlooker. It is “cheese” that makes them so ugly. Forgetting themselves plus forgetting the present photographer plus forgetting the future onlooker would make them beautiful. Forgetting themselves and overlooking themselves…. The humanness of man is most tangible when he forgets himself and overlooks himself!”

So, when we want others to get real, what is the basis for our request? I’m not sure if anyone can answer such a request with a completely “honest” answer. Rather, we may decide to challenge our sense of reality by asking questions that might include: Am I sharing my inner talents at work and at home? What do I value from deep within myself; and am I expressing those talents with those around me? Or am I just marching through time because…. What is the ‘because’? Why do we do what we do and what is our theater masksmotivation? Who are we smiling for – the onlooker, the photographer… who are we modeling for? If we were to simply “play” as a child, where we would express our inner self, what would we be doing – how telling that could be. Think about that one for a moment.

Deep questions for a deep topic…. So the next time we ask someone to get real, what reality are we asking them to align with. Ask yourself, “What am I aligned with?” Is it to help someone to fulfill a jointly shared vision, goal or objective or just trying to get a point across? We’d love to hear from you on this topic.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Dana Borowka, MA, CEO of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC and his organization constantly remain focused on their mission statement – “To bring effective insight to your organization”. They do this through the use of in-depth work style assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. They also have a full service consulting division that provides domestic and international interpersonal coaching, executive onboarding, leadership training, global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training, operational productivity improvement, 360s and employee surveys as well as a variety of workshops. Dana has over 25 years of business consulting experience and is a nationally renowned speaker, radio and TV personality on many topics. He provides workshops on hiring, managing for the future, and techniques to improve interpersonal communications that have a proven ROI. He is the co-author of the books, “Cracking the Personality Code” and “Cracking the Business Code”. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, [email protected] & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

 

How to Deal with Anxious People

By Mark Goulston – First published March 19, 2008, Harvard Business

When your people are anxious – and do you know anyone who isn’t? –their minds constrict. Neuroanatomically that means that the middle mammalian emotional brain has trouble accessing the upper human rational brain (which could put things into perspective) and it takes everything in that person to keep from throwing everything into the lower reptilian “fight or flight” brain where they would do something impulsively that would most likely make matters worse. A Anxious sharkconstricted mind is not open to hearing new directives, much less holding onto or following through on them.

This is an important piece of information for anyone who must get things accomplished through other people – in other words, just about all of us. The more you talk over or at anxious people, the more pressure you put on their middle brain and the more they will close their minds to what you are saying.

Alternatively, the more you talk to an anxious person — or even better yet, with them — the more you alleviate that pressure and the easier it is to access their upper brain and open their minds to you. Here’s a critical point, though: the approach you may think you are taking in a conversation with an anxious person may not be the approach the other person perceives.

How do you ensure you’re handling these challenging conversations most effectively? Pay attention to the body language of the other person – it will tell you how they interpret your approach and allow you to tailor your message accordingly.

Indicators that they think you’re “talking over” them:Anxious talking

They’ll leave the conversation at the earliest opportunity because you’re insulting them by treating them as if they’re not there. They’re thinking: “What a buffoon, I’m outta’ here at the next break.”

Indicators that they think you’re “talking at” them:

They feel like you’re figuratively sticking your finger in their face. They’ll either: a) hunker down in a submissive pose with their chin tucked into their neck if they’re intimidated. It’s as if they’re saying: “Please don’t be angry at me;” or b) they’ll stick their chin out at you and narrow their eyes if they’re ticked off. It’s as if they’re saying: “You can’t talk to me like that!” Do this only in a situation akin to being in overtime in the seventh game of the NBA finals where your players know you respect them and you need them to execute, not think.

Indicators that they think you’re “talking to” them:

They’ll nod from the neck up as if to say, “Yes, that makes sense,” and may or may not follow through. This is the language of doing business as usual. Use this as your usual mode of speaking.

Indicators that they think you’re “talking with” them:

They’ll relax their shoulders and neck as if you’ve moved over to their side and put your arm around their shoulder like a loving parent or grandparent. It’s as if you’ve told them: sailing for biz“It’ll be okay. We can work this out.” This is the language of intimacy. Aspire to this in matters of the heart and when possible in matters of the world and work.

Your goal, of course, is to find that tone and approach that results in your anxious conversation partner responding to you as you want them to. The key is to keep attuned to their unspoken language – the more attention you pay to body language, the more expert you’ll become at reading and reacting to it.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Mark Goulston, M.D. is a business advisor, consultant, speaker, trainer and coach trained as a clinical psychiatrist who honed his skills as an FBI/police hostage negotiation trainer who increases people’s ability to get through to anyone. He is Co- Founder of Heartfelt Leadership whose mission is: Daring to Care and Go Positive Now and is the Resident Big Brother at Business Women Rising and serves on the Board of Advisers of American Women Veterans and Dr. Oz’ foundation, Health Corps. He is a contributor to Harvard Business, blogs for the Huffington Post, Business Insider writes the Tribune media syndicated column, Solve Anything with Dr. Mark, column on leadership for FAST COMPANY, Directors Monthly. He is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, Today. He is the author of international best selling books, “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone and REAL INFLUENCE: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In. For more information: http://markgoulston.com. Contact Mark at: [email protected].

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, [email protected] & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

To order the books, Cracking the Personality Code and Cracking the Business Code, please go to www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

 

Feeling Burdened?

By Dana Borowka

How many days go by where you feel burden free? Any? Even for a moment? Most of us tend to feel pretty loaded up with all sorts of stuff on a regular basis. Most can’t even imagine what life would be like if we didn’t have all that “stuff” that literally creates a whirl wind of activity. Imagine what it FeelingBurdenmight be like to not feel burdened with worry, anxiety or fear for even one moment. Some people can’t imagine such a thing. While others seem to find a space… for a moment of peace, calm or centeredness.

Some might ask, “Can anyone ever be at peace?” The answer is found individually. It depends on how closely we identify with who we truly are. If we are constantly reminding ourselves of all the things that we need to do, then we are just running from one thing to the next without some level of fulfillment or an inner purpose. The odds are that we will continue to move from one crisis to the next… if we do not try to be aware of our actions. Remember, it is not the activity that is causing the disturbance – it’s the fact that we are identifying with the worry, the fear, the ‘whatevers’ that are causing the suffering. And you might be passing this energy onto others in your life whether they are work colleagues, family members or those we stand in line with in the market.

So what can we do when we are feeling anxious or burdened? Is it possible to change deeply ingrained thought patterns and how long could that take? It doesn’t necessarily take a great amount of time. Yet, you do need to become aware of what you are identifying with when you are get worried, anxious, fearful, etc. Once this takes place you have begun the change. Then you have a choice. Whether you want to continue with that false identity or re-identify yourself in other ways. This awareness can help to prevent past emotional issues from controlling your thinking and taking hold of your life and actions with others. The old identity may continue to arise and show itself. It may even cause you to identify with it at times and blur your self vision.Man with mirror

Facing our self identity can be a direct confrontation with what you believe is “you”. It is not easy to look into the mirror of our own being nor is it necessarily an enjoyable thing to do. Yet when the pain or discomfort becomes overwhelming then that tends to shed some light on the underlying causes. Your core being is very capable of dealing with what may seem to be very difficult issues within us. Some people may feel that they are “defective” or unworthy and may justify staying in the pit of despair. That is nothing more than a culmination of our old identity holding on for dear life. The more you hold onto the old, the greater the volume can become to avoid change.

A friend once gave me a cotton seed that had blossomed. It caused me to think of an analogy which I call the “seed and the pod” of our identity. The pod is a protective shell for the seed that will protect it until the soil condition, the temperature and such is just right. The pod may have many things take place that might seem to impact it – gravel may rub against it, it may get washed to a different location, the wind might carry it else where. Yet the seed is not touched by these difficulties for it is always protected by the pod. When the time is right then the seed will begin to do its thing. The roots start to come out and the amazing sprouting process takes place. The seed begins to expand beyond the pod. The same is true for each of us. Our seed – our core being is always protected and cared for. When the time is appropriate we will begin to awaken, to test the soil, to question. At the right moment, we will begin to expand beyond our original handseedidentity (our own pod) and we will realize that we have always been ok… never damaged, never unworthy. We will see that we have always been safe (protected in our pod) and we will prepare ourselves to do what we need to do. Upon taking action, the burden that seemed so natural and normal takes on a different meaning and a whole new world will open up. A world of calm, peace and tranquility that we thought was only a distant possibility will now be within our grasp.

So when the time is right to take action, how do we begin to work through an issue? Well, I find it helpful to ask some questions to break down the problem:

• What bothers me so much about this situation? Try to dig beneath the various emotions to get at what the true focus is.
• When have I seen this come up before in my life? Look at specific events in your life.
• What am I doing that is not working and what am I doing that is working? Explore what your part is in the issue.
• What would my ideal outcome look like? What results are you looking for and are those expectations reasonable and attainable?

Now, we get to the action part of the process. It can be very easy to ruminate about a problem without taking any steps to heal it. Goal setting can be very helpful in making progress with issues. When you make goals, it is more effective to make them specific and measurable. Goals are easier to achieve when you break down the process into small steps that are detailed with time lines.

So, are you feeling burdened? Just the fact that you are asking the question is the beginning of a whole new journey of unfoldment and discovery of the seed that is within. A flying manseed that is filled with many facets and a vastness that one can’t even imagine. With or without the burdens of today, you are unique to yourself and others. Embrace your uniqueness, question the burdens and value the protective pod as well as the seed within.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Dana Borowka, MA, CEO of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC and his organization constantly remain focused on their mission statement – “To bring effective insight to your organization”. They do this through the use of in-depth work style assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. They also have a full service consulting division that provides domestic and international interpersonal coaching, executive onboarding, leadership training, global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training, operational productivity improvement, 360s and employee surveys as well as a variety of workshops. Dana has over 25 years of business consulting experience and is a nationally renowned speaker, radio and TV personality on many topics. He provides workshops on hiring, managing for the future, and techniques to improve interpersonal communications that have a proven ROI. He is the co-author of the books, “Cracking the Personality Code” and “Cracking the Business Code”. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, [email protected] & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

Deeply Prepared People Create Their Own Weather

By Larry Wilson & Hersch Wilson, Authors of Play to Win

A few years ago, I went on a four-day adventure in the High Country wilderness of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains north of Santa Fe. We were divided into essentially two types of people. There were the “outdoor” enthusiasts who exulted in being in the mountains, and then there were the rest of us—grumpy city dwellers. As soon as we hit the trail and began moving up into forest, the city dwellers were hit by the realization that it was going to be uncomfortable—cold, rainy, and Mountains & birdswild. In front of us were the Truchas peaks, which we intended to climb. It had sounded like a great idea a month ago, but now they were shrouded in clouds and the rumble of thunder. They looked foreboding and unapproachable. We asked ourselves, “Why are we doing this? It’s going to be uncomfortable and even dangerous—why don’t we just turn back now and admit defeat?”

But encouraged and kept in good spirits by the outdoor folks, up we marched, farther and farther from the comforts of home. We arrived at our camp—a meadow under the sheer pitches of the Truchas Mountains. It was stunning…but our “home” was four makeshift tarps.

We soon discovered that in the mountains the weather rules and it is completely unpredictable. In our four days, it rained, snowed, hailed, we had winds that blew out the tarps . . . and we had a couple hours of sun.

Beyond the unpredictability of the weather—now it was sunny, boom, then it was hailing—were the reactions of the people. The city folks, myself included, got mad and complained loudly and bitterly about the event of the weather—the damp, the cold, and the “Oh, my God, it’s snowing!”  We had expected sunny weather, darn it! And we were mad that it wasn’t happening! We eventually found a bottle of tequila and retired to the driest tarp to commiserate.

The outdoors folks were quite different. When it rained, they put on ponchos; when it got cold and snowed, they put on more layers. When the sun came out, they stripped down to T-shirts and shorts and enjoyed the warmth on their bodies. The difference was that they were prepared, by training and experience, for anything.

What hit me was this: There is no such thing as bad weather, just unprepared people. The weather just happens; it is neither bad nor good, cruel nor pleasant; it just is. We interpret it as bad or good because of how it affects us, but in reality, weather is just weather. All we can really do is be prepared.

On our little wilderness adventure, the prepared people handled the weather with much more calm and creativity than the rest of us did. They were ready for almost anything. They didn’t remain upset when all of a sudden the tarps blew over; they solved the problem and got on with it. It was all an adventure to them. What would they learn this time? How far would their limits be pushed? What would they see? What would they experience?

And that is the clue. In the adventure of our lives, good things happen, bad things happen, and—boom—terrible things happen. In our lives we will each face choices that will pinetreesdetermine who we will become. We will all face the crises of living: pain, loss, death. The individuals with the best probability of responding with courage and creativity are those who are best prepared emotionally and spiritually. Prepared people can handle all kinds of weather; deeply prepared people see the weather as a challenge and as an opportunity to grow.

With work and thinking, we too can become deeply prepared for the rest of our lives. We can become so thoroughly prepared that we begin to positively influence what happens to us; we begin to create our own weather.

Think about it. Once we understand that we are here for a reason—that we are spiritual beings on a human path—then we can start making choices that lead us deeper and deeper into our true selves. We strike out on our own, we make those courageous choices that lead us in directions that we would never before have taken had we settled for just playing not to lose all our lives. As a result, we create our own weather.

When we understand that there is much less to avoid, much less to fear, when we see life as an opportunity to grow, we attempt more, we face more challenges, and we grow. As a result, we get emotionally and spiritually stronger and more like those experienced outdoors folks: prepared for almost anything, exulting in our lives, and creating our own weather.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Larry Wilson was an internationally recognized pioneer in change management, leadership development and strategic thinking, and is the co-author of The One-Minute Sales Person and Play to Win. He founded two companies, Wilson Learning Corp. and Pecos River Learning. Larry worked with companies to help them “create the organization that, if it existed, would put them out of business.” Larry passed on in 2009 and will be greatly missed, yet cherished through his books and articles for years to come. One of the things that Larry used to say was “Love your customers so much that they want to refer business to you since who can resist love?”

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, [email protected] & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

To order the books, Cracking the Personality Code and Cracking the Business Code, please go to www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Leadership: How to Listen To Your Inner Compass

By Paul David Walker

Cause and Effect Moves With or Without You

The flow of cause and effect move events, stimulate ideas, and drive consumer wants and needs because everything is connected. This flow has a powerful momentum, and moves like the multi-dimensional currents in a powerful river. This force moves forward with, or without, our conscious compassinvolvement. We are all connected to it even if we are not aware of our connection. The more we are consciously in sync with what I call “The Life Force,” the faster, more targeted and powerful are our actions. Like an athlete “In The Zone,” we accelerate our performance with grace and ease.

Imagine how difficult life would be if you are not aware of these flows. Many of us are not. It would be like hiking through a wilderness fog without a compass. Even if you knew you needed to go North, you could not tell which way it is. Likewise, we need an “Inner Compass” to navigate within the flows of cause and effect that influence every moment of our lives, a way to understand where we are, and where the flow of history is going. But what is, and what is the practical use of, our inner compass? A story best illustrates.

What Is Your Inner Compass?

When I was working as a leadership consultant to Don Ross, Chairman and CEO of New York Life, during the summer of 1987, many people were coming to me questioning the Chairman’s actions. He had asked the investment department to slowly move all investments out of the stock market into conservative investments. This frustrated his investment team because the stock market was at an all time high and their competitors were using “High Yield Bonds” and stocks to create gains much greater than New York Life’s. They wanted to play in the game, and Don Ross was telling them to step back.

Many came to me, as Don’s coach, to suggest I persuade him of the foolishness of his actions. I explained that I was his leadership coach and had little knowledge of the financial markets, but encouraged them to speak directly to Don. However, no matter how people pleaded, he would not change course. Several key players resigned and went to more “progressive” companies.

In October of 1987, while I was on site at New York Life, the market crashed. It was the biggest crash since the Great Depression. But New York Life had moved most of its investments out of the stock market and had not invested in any “High Yield Bonds,” known later as “Junk Bonds.” Don Ross was now considered a genius. The financial gain was enormous.

A week or so later, I asked Don how he knew to pull all of the company’s investments out of the stock market three months before the October 1987 crash. He said, “I just knew it couldn’t last.” Everyone in his world thought he was wrong, yet he had the wisdom and courage to do what he felt was right.

Knowing the Difference

When I pressed him to tell me more, he went on to explain that, as Chairman and CEO, he was continuously bombarded with “experts” trying to convince him of completely different lady on compassstrategic directions. Each had incredible credentials and a good story, yet each recommended different directions. The only tool he had to make the final decision was his instinct, or intuition. He said, “Whenever I have gone against my intuition, I have regretted it.”

Don Ross explained to me, “The key to wisdom is to know the difference between your wild hopes and fears and common sense, intuition or true wisdom.” They often seem the same, but they are not. There is a distinct difference in the feeling. One comes from the Ego and insecurity, and the other comes from Wisdom. Great leaders learn the difference and, given this knowledge, develop the courage to act quickly. Don had found ways to live in the present like an athlete “In The Zone,” but with an easier more sustainable feeling I call “Integrative Presence,” or at least he was able to find that state of mind when he needed insight. When I met with him over the years, he was often in the state of Integrative Presence. He was warm, yet seemed to be able to see through people. Insightful, yet he moved with grace and ease.

Courage To Act

All the great leaders I have worked with know how to achieve the state of Integrative Presence, even though they may not understand the nature of this state of mind. They have experienced being connected to something that supercharges their own knowledge. They speak reverently about this connection in private, but rarely talk about it to the press. It just seems too outside the norm for stockholders and the public. But knowing and connecting to wisdom through Integrative Presence is essential for leaders in business today. Markets move quickly, often with little warning, and the wise leader can feel the moving currents. At each moment, like a surfer, the conscious leaders are so present they take advantage of trends as they emerge.

Know How It Feels

When I have asked people to describe how they feel when they experience being “In The Zone” or Integrative Presence, they say things like: confident, at peace, exhilarated, wavy road peoplepowerful, graceful, and present. Some report a slow motion effect as time slows. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar told how the five seconds he had to win the NBA championship with one shot seemed like five minutes. He felt relaxed, as if he had all the time in the world, yet he appeared to move like lightning to the rest of the world–the very definition of Integrative Presence. His creativity, within these few precious seconds, was nothing less than pure genius. He was integrating the skills he had learned over the years, his desire to make the shot, and the flow of the moment.

It Is A Natural State of Mind

As I have experienced and studied athletes in the zone or integrative presence. I have found that this state of mind, though not often reached, is a natural way of living. It seems we have lost touch with true presence overtime. Ironically, the art of getting into this state of mind is letting go of what we think we know. As you let go, this state of mind just takes over. You don’t need to train yourself to experience Integrative Presence, you merely need to “let go.” This state takes over your consciousness and supercharges your performance because it is in our nature to live this way.

Sports create highly charged environments. They are designed to bring out the best in people. But can this state be achieved outside this arena? Certainly, if these states of mind that seem to create super human results can be created in one area of life, they should be able to be created in others. While the environment is particularly right for this kind of performance in sports, it is not beyond or separate from this “real world” we all operate within.

The Present Is The Only Portal To The Future?

You might ask, “If you are in the present, “How do you create the future?” Here is my answer. Imagine the world is a dance floor and the rhythm and flow of the band is “The Life Force,” which infuses everything. The multidimensional flow of the band seems irresistible to some, yet others stand against the wall not knowing how to jump in, and many are not even aware of the dance. They have heard people talk about it, but can’t seem to hear or feel the flow of the music. Those who feel it deeply dance like gods and goddesses in the middle of the floor creating a vortex of energy and motion that draws new dancers into their circle.

The band, which represents “The Life Force,” naturally lures people onto the floor to dance in a rhythm and harmony that seems to come from outside them. Of those out on the floor, many dance out of rhythm most of the time, but have moments of grace. Others have a routine that they have worked out over the years which works for them, but only captures a small part of the rhythm. Some have a routine and experiment momentarily with new movements, but mostly go back to what they know. Those who feel the music deeply dance adding rhythms and counter rhythms and seem to be an extension of “The Life Force” that passes through the band.

Without knowing, many start to follow the waves of energy coming from the leaders and the overall quality of the dance improves. At some point in time, magic occurs. The beauty and energy of the lead dancers is so compelling that the band itself is drawn into the dance creating new rhythms and flows as the Life Force, the band, and the dancers join and create new realities.

Start With The Present Moment

“The Life Force” creates Life and Life influences “The Life Force,” just as the band creates the rhythm and flow and changes, because the lead dancers’ energy becomes dancingpart of the rhythm and flow. The only way to create the future is to engage, like the dancers, with the rhythm and flow of the present; and by doing so you become a co-creator. It is not about wishing and hoping as the popular book “The Secret” would suggest. The various rhythms and flows of business markets are subsets of the rhythm and flow of “The Life Force,” which animates everything. Both can be influenced in the manner just described. Great leaders have discovered and mastered this secret.

There Is No Substitute For Practice

The flow of market wants and needs is like the complex themes, harmonies, and rhythms in music. Your team must spend lots of time dancing with those rhythms to know how to influence the flow of the dance. Your team, products and services must dance first with the rhythm and flow of the present, then lead. There is no substitute for this kind of presence in your target market, and like dancing to a good band, or being in “The Zone” in sports, it is a blast! The energies of the market will feed you and your creativity will lead the flow of the market.

Your inner compass lets you know the difference between your thoughts about the flow of cause and effect, and the actual flow. We have to practice to know the difference between the feelings that come from our thoughts and ego and our natural wisdom. Knowing how to access our natural wisdom is the inner compass. Having this compass helps us walk with the wind of “The Life Force” at our backs and in our hearts.

Your Inner Compass & Hiringgear people

According to Dana Borowka, CEO of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC (www.lighthouseconsulting.com) and author of new book, Cracking the Business Code, creating a foundation for strong leadership requires the right people. Hiring the right people is key to future growth. If you would like additional information on hiring, please click here to see an article on this subject.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 

Paul David Walker is a Senior LCS Consultant and one of the few CEO coaches who has worked with numerous Fortune 500 CEOs and their key staff members for over 25 years along with many mid-cap organizations. Some of the organizations that Paul has worked with include Star Kist Foods, Von’s Grocery Stores, New York Life, Anne Klein, Rockwell International countless manufacturing, global utilities, service and consulting organizations. Paul is the founder of Genius Stone Partners, and works with domestic and international companies to improve their bottom line today and planning for the future. Paul is the author of the best selling book, Unleashing Genius and his new book, Invent Your Future – 7 Imperatives for a 21st Century. You can reach Paul at [email protected].

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, [email protected] & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

To order the books, Cracking the Personality Code and Cracking the Business Code, please go to www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Why Meditation Improves Performance

By Paul David Walker

As business leaders we need to have a clear picture of present reality in order to make effective decisions. Meditation is a practice designed to clear the mind of stress and distortion, and allow you to experience present reality.

Over time our minds become filled with thoughts and beliefs that were placed there both consciously and unconsciously. We have defined experiences and recorded them as wavy star peoplebeliefs. Thought patterns have developed over the years, some of which are helpful and others are not. We are bombarded with ideas, advertising and images from TV and movies that stick in our memories. These thoughts often circle in our minds causing fear and stress.

All these thoughts and beliefs were filtered by our mood at the time we experienced them. If we are in a good mood, we tend to record a more positive message; if we are in a bad mood, it will be more negative. When we recall this information it is also filtered by our mood at the moment of recall. The bottom line is our mind is full of highly distorted information that is often conflicting.

Meditation helps to clear the mind and leave room in our consciousness to experience the reality of the moment. The flow of cause and effect is highly complex and, in order to be successful business leaders, we need to be able to see present reality with a minimum of filtering from the thoughts and images filling our minds.

When working with teams of engineers, I enjoy asking if anyone has invented a successful time machine. Of course, they always say no. Then I ask, “So you are certain that no one can travel to the past and the future?” They laugh and agree. Therefore, there is no reality outside of the present moment. The future is a speculation, and the past is what we have recorded in our memory or in writing, which is, as I said earlier, highly distorted.

Yet how much of the time do most leaders spend traveling to the past and the future in their mind? I would suggest, too much. The best leaders realize that being able to live in the present moment is the secret to both personal power and strategic advantage. They learn to see through false realities and connect with true reality.

An Example from Sports

After watching Florence Joyner win the hundred meter dash, the TV interviewer showed a super slow motion playback of her run. She was about equal with the field through the middle of the run, and then she leaped out way ahead of the field to win the race. The interviewer played the run again, and just as she put distance between her and the field, the interviewer stopped the tape and pointed to the screen and asked, “What happens right here?” Florence answered, “I just let go.”

She stopped thinking about the race and slipped into what sports coaches call “The Zone” and, of course, her performance accelerated dramatically. She was integrating all her training with the reality of the present. Being able to find your way into “The Zone” is critical for success as an athlete. Some respond to pressure by “clutching” and thereby reducing performance, and others slip into “The Zone.” Michael Jordan was famous for performing better under pressure, as are many successful athletes. As a leader, is this true for you? When the pressure is on, do you call for the ball?

Integrative Presence

Sports coaches realize that if athletes think too much about the past and the future, they will miss the reality of what is happening in the present. The future extends from the present, not from the cognitive frameworks in your mind. Those who can let go of their thoughts will find it easier to integrate their actions with present reality. In business, I call key to weatherthis “Integrative Presence.”

If an athlete can create this state of mind, so can a leader. If these states of mind that seem to create super human results can be created in one area of life, they should be able to be created in others. While the environment is right for this kind of performance in sports, it is not beyond or separate from the business world. The most effective leaders have mastered Integrative Presence.

Integrative Presence unleashes genius in any endeavor. Integrative Presence, as I define it, is collaboration with the natural flow that extends from the present integrated with the knowledge, intention and consciousness of an individual or group. Integrative Presence allows you to integrate all the realities of the moment simultaneously while combining them with your intention. Those who master this will Unleash Genius within themselves, and the people who follow them, to create new realities once unimaginable.

Business is much more complex than sports, but the state of mind that creates Integrative Presence is as important for leaders as it is for athletes. The best leaders are able to achieve this state at will. In a board meeting or when closing an important deal, the best leaders can be in the present while integrating their knowledge and all the events that are happening around them simultaneously.

The truth is anything can cause your conscious mind to let go of comparative thought and find Integrative Presence. It would be impossible to catalog all experiences people have had. What is important is to know the difference between the two states of mind. Meditation is a practice that will help you find your personal road map into this powerful state.

eye of lifeWhen I have asked people to describe how they feel when they experience “Integrative Presence” they say things like: confident, at peace, exhilarated, powerful, graceful, focused and present. Some report a slow-motion effect. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar told how the five seconds he had to win the NBA championship with one shot seemed like five minutes. He felt relaxed, as if he had all the time in the world, yet he appeared to move like lightning to the rest of the world–the very definition of “Integrative Presence.” His creativity, within these few precious seconds, was nothing less than pure genius. He was integrating the skills he had learned over the years, his desire to make the shot, and the flow of the moment, without interruption from his thoughts.

Most people have experienced this state of mind; the question is what percent of your life is spent in this state. The art of getting into this state of mind is letting go of thoughts and connecting with the flow of events in the moment. Meditation is practice for your mind and body. An athlete must practice their sport, a leader must practice disciplining their mind. Meditation is a time-tested form of practice.

There is no Substitute for Practice

As in sports, there is no substitute for practice. Knowing how to move from “normal thinking” into Integrative Presence comes from practice. Take time to connect with your peak experiences and observe how you transitioned yourself. Find ways to still your mental chatter and connect with the present, and you will become a much more effective leader and a happier person.

Meditation Technique

The following is a simple meditation technique that can help you clear your mind. It will help establish an inner road map to stillness, which allows you to flow with present reality.

1) The Right Environment: Find a quiet place and arrange to have no distractions or interruptions. A special place in your home or a place out in nature. It is especially important in the first stages of meditation to find a special place. It helps you move towards stillness naturally. Over time you will be able to meditate anywhere, at any time, even as you walk through hallways.

2) Sit Comfortably: You want your body to be at ease. Find a chair that is comfortable and sit up straight; be sure not to cross you arms or legs. Sitting up straight in a way that you will not have to move should one of your limbs fall asleep is important.

3) Three Deep Breaths: Take three deep breaths and hold the oxygen in as long as you can on each breath, and let the oxygen out suddenly once you can no longer hold the air.

4) Breathe Normally: Return to your normal breathing pattern. Close your eyes and put your attention on your breathing process. Follow your breath in and then out. Notice the rhythm and depth of each of your breaths. Spend 2-3 minutes just following your breath with your attention.

5) Imagine a Beautiful Place: Imagine yourself in a beautiful place in nature. Choose a favorite spot or create a spot that would be ideal for you. Each time you begin meditating come back to this place. It will serve as an anchor for peace and help you to relax each time. Once you have felt the peace of this place, use it as a background and return your attention to your breathing.

6) Let Go of Thoughts: As thoughts arise in your mind, do not resist them. Practice observing without processing, and then letting go of them. You can imagine them floating up happy jumping guyinto the sky or being absorbed by nature. As you let go return your attention to your breathing.

7) Deepen Your Breathing: Once you have found your natural rhythm increase the depth of your breathing. Inhale 10-15 percent deeper and exhale 10-15 percent deeper. Play with this deeper rhythm until it becomes natural. Continue to let go of thoughts as they arise.

8) Notice Stillness: Notice that at the moment you fully inhale, just before you exhale, there is a still point. Likewise, after you have fully exhaled, there is the same still point. One, the inhale, is full and the second, the exhale, is empty. Notice the difference.

9) Fall into Stillness: At times when your total focus is on this deeper breathing process, you will notice the stillness inside you. Let your consciousness fall into this stillness. Let go and don’t be afraid; it is your destination. Stay there as long as your ego will allow. It might take a number of sessions before you achieve this, but it is worth the practice and discipline.

10) Open Your Eyes: In about 20-25 minutes gently open your eyes without moving and notice the world around you. Notice your state of mind and journal your experience.

11) Take This State of Mind With You: Practice staying with this state of mind as you get up from your chair and walk, focusing on your breathing as before. Find a rhythm between your steps and your breath. Count how many breaths per step until you find a comfortable pace that is a little deeper than normal. This will help you begin to integrate this state of mind into your daily life.

12) Do Short Meditations: Once you have mastered this practice you will be able to take a few minutes to clear your mind between meetings or even with short pauses during meetings.

Meditation creates the same state of being that Florence Joyner and other athletes achieve when they are in “The Zone.” Your consciousness will deepen and widen and you will be able to perform more effectively. Remember, there is no substitute for practice.

As you continue to meditate, you will find the quality of your thought improving. You will have great ideas and find it easy to solve problems. Creating this space of stillness within you leads to Integrative Presence. Meditation is a powerful tool for those who are creating the future. It helps with idea generation and stress reduction. If you are a leader, you need both to be successful.

For more tips, please click here listen to our teleconference audio link.

Paul David Walker is a Senior LCS Consultant and one of the few CEO coaches who has worked with numerous Fortune 500 CEOs and their key staff members for over 25 years along with many mid-cap organizations. Some of the organizations that Paul has worked with include Star Kist Foods, Von’s Grocery Stores, New York Life, Anne Klein, Rockwell International countless manufacturing, global utilities, service and consulting organizations. Paul is the founder of Genius Stone Partners, and works with domestic and international companies to improve their bottom line today and planning for the future. Paul is the author of the best selling book, Unleashing Genius and his new book, Invent Your Future – 7 Imperatives for a 21st Century. You can reach Paul at [email protected].

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, [email protected] & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

To order the books, Cracking the Personality Code and Cracking the Business Code, please go to www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Are You Lost in The Game of Life?

By Paul David Walker

[dropcaps type=”circle” color=”” background=””]H[/dropcaps]ave you ever wondered, “Is this as good as it gets?” Even though you are successful, does something seem missing? We buy new cars, homes, boats, clothes and jewels; but after a momentary thrill, that pointless empty feeling arises again.Find the cheese

We struggle to succeed, work all our life to be recognized and feel powerful or beautiful in the world, and often find that stress overwhelms our body and mind. We push through and reach our goals. Yet somehow, again after momentary thrills, we feel unsatisfied. Some pretend to be happy, not wanting to seem like a failure or disappoint their friends and family, but their face tells a different story.

I discovered years ago, while listening to a tape by George Pransky, that one of the reasons for this is that we have confused life with the game of life.

Life Itself

Eckhart Tolle said, “We are not living life, we are life.” Yet we seem to get lost in “The Game of Life.”

Life is moments of profound beauty. Life is looking into the eyes of a child, a moment by a river when everything seems to flow together, or when suddenly what seemed mundane now seems beautiful. It is moments of love where you feel deeply connected to someone, being “In The Zone,” or biting into a fresh sweet strawberry and responding with gratitude.

When we experience life itself, we feel peaceful and exhilarated at the same time. It is often a simple moment when what is coming up does not seem to matter, and yet you are fascinated with the arising of the next moment. When you can feel the love of a child or a parent, you are deeply living life. Its energy enters your being and you cannot help but smile with joy.

The Game of Life

The rules for the game of life are like the rules for tennis, basketball or baseball. They are not innate universal principles, like gravity, the need for water, sunlight to grow crops, and oxygen; we have just decided on them to create a game. In tennis inside the line is a point, outside the line is a point for the other person. Why? It is because we have decided. The rules change over time to improve the game. Likewise, each society in the world establishes rules to govern life within their countries. Each ethnic culture has developed norms of behavior. Like the rules of different games, they vary. If designed well, they will enhance life. But they are not life itself.

The River & The Game of Life

An example of this would be an ancient community that developed around a river that was fed by lakes in the high mountains. The community prospered, using irrigation to develop food production and trade. They developed a game of life that thrived off the river, and the innovations created by the game of life that evolved to meet the community’s needs. This is an example where the game of life was fed by life, which in this case was the river.

Biz winMany of these civilizations disappeared, because for one reason or the other, the springs in the lakes that fed the river could not support the growing demands of the civilization. The leaders became attached to their game, and did not notice the relationship of the game to the rivers ability to support the game of life that formed their civilization.

Likewise, an athlete who develops extraordinary physical skills playing a game has a deep level of enjoyment of life during play. However, many stay involved in a sport beyond their aging body’s ability to keep up with the game, some die and others are crippled. Why? It is because they have confused the game with life itself. They mistakenly assume that the game, not the life force, brought them the enjoyment.

When we lose touch with life itself, our ability to play in the game of life decreases, and like ancient river civilizations, the game of life can destroy our connection to life with terrible consequences.

While playing the game of life you may notice stress and difficulty increasing, yet because you are so attached to the game you cannot stop playing. You lose your connection to life itself and wither without knowing why.

Confusing Life & The Game of Life

The game of life we play in “Post Modern” society is much more complex than ancient civilizations or sports games. It is all pervasive. It seems to encompass the globe. We are part of a game that seems to have no boundaries. Most are not even aware that they are choosing to play a game. Many see the game as life itself, and this is where problems arise. In desperately holding onto the game of life, we lose touch with life. We become stressed, fatigued, depressed and angry. Something is missing. Our consciousness is focused on the game, rather than life, metaphorically, the springs that feed our life dry up, and then playing the game of life becomes more difficult. We lose contact with life, and hence, given “we are life,” we lose ourselves. We are lost in the game of life to the point of danger, and perhaps extinction.

Consciously Connecting With Life

In order to play the game of life well, we need to have practices that connect us with life itself. Without awareness that there is a difference between life and the game of life, it will be hard to take the time to drink from the natural springs that feed our life. So that is the first step to realize the difference.

The second step is to develop practices that help you let go of the game, and open your consciousness to the life giving energy of “The Life Force,” which is a multidimensional river beyond description. Meditation, walking in nature, yoga, listening to relaxing music, and many others similar practices can work. The key is to find ways to slow your thoughts about the game of life. As you do, life will naturally fill your consciousness and feed you, without which you will die, like a flower that is not watered, or a civilization whose river dries up.

There is No Substitute For Practicemeditation inspiration

Now you have an intellectual understanding of the difference between LIFE and “The Game of Life.” The thoughts shared here only point towards the experience of LIFE. In order to truly experience LIFE, you need to practice being present to LIFE. If you take time each day in a meditative practice, you will learn the difference. At first your head will be full of thoughts, but as you learn to let go of them, you will be conscious of LIFE instead of your thoughts about life. With practice, you will be able to be continuously conscious of LIFE every moment of the day. Your happiness will grow and what once seemed drab will be full of color.

Paul David Walker is a Senior LCS Consultant and one of the few CEO coaches who has worked with numerous Fortune 500 CEOs and their key staff members for over 25 years along with many mid-cap organizations. Some of the organizations that Paul has worked with include Star Kist Foods, Von’s Grocery Stores, New York Life, Anne Klein, Rockwell International countless manufacturing, global utilities, service and consulting organizations. Paul is the founder of Genius Stone Partners, and works with domestic and international companies to improve their bottom line today and planning for the future. Paul is the author of the best selling book, Unleashing Genius and his new book, Invent Your Future – 7 Imperatives for a 21st Century. You can reach Paul at [email protected].

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, [email protected] & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.

To order the books, Cracking the Personality Code and Cracking the Business Code, please go to www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Building Self-Esteem: Taking it one day at a time

By Ellen W. Borowka

Here is an adage to consider: “It’s not what you are that is holding you back, it’s what you think you are not.”

Many people, regardless of their background, education and such, wonder occasionally, “What is my purpose? Why am I here?” These are important questions. We all want to feel needed and that we bring vital qualities and talents to the world. Yet, it is also hard when we don’t feel we have much to offer. It is easy to think of life as a daily struggle, and the world as just a place to survive. We can get to the point where we just try to get through the day, and we forget to fully live life. Music legend John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.” So, what plans are we allowing to get in the way of life? And how do we want to change so we can enjoy life more?

Lose That Excess Baggage

Many times, what gets in the way of enjoying life is a lack of trust in ourselves as well as a poor self-image. As we go through life, we usually pick up some baggage and that can really weigh us down. We can start to carry a great deal of anger, disappointment and false beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. Some of those false beliefs can include: “I’m not good – smart – pretty/handsome – special – perfect enough;” ”There’s something wrong with me;” “I don’t deserve good things or people;” “I’ll always fail at what I do;” “I’m just lucky when I succeed;” “I need something or someone to be ok;” “I have to be right – perfect – good … always;” “It’s someone else’s fault for my problems;” “It’s hopeless;” “I can’t trust anyone;” ”I have to save/help others at my own expense;” and “I must always come first.” Of course, this is only a partial list of some of the ghosts that can haunt us through each day. In the words of the late author and motivational speaker Zig Ziglar, “That’s just stinkin’ thinkin’.”

What Gets In The Way

What obstacles get in the way of making changes and growing through our issues? I recently saw a segment on 60 Minutes that looked at an old psychological study on prison life (known as the Stanford Prison Experiment), where college students enacted a fake prison with some as prisoners and others as the guards. While this study is controversial, what was interesting was that both the prisoners and guards forgot who they truly were. They almost immediately embodied the roles they were given. The guards became abusive and cruel, while the prisoners felt trapped and hopeless. In fact, the college students never realized that they could or should stop the abusive interactions during the study. They forgot they had an option to refuse to continue their roles. While there may have been some personality tendencies for the students involved to be abusive or submissive, this example shows how we can easily take on the characteristics and beliefs of the environment. We can get conditioned to give up, feel trapped and stop trying. We can even forget who we truly are and embody qualities from the situations we grow up and live in. Yet, we usually have choices, even when those choices are hard. As someone once told me, when a door slams shut, look around for an open window – another open possibility. So, what are some steps to making changes? What can we do to break out of that prison?

Tips For Building Self-esteem, One Day At A Time

Here are several tips for building self-esteem:

Manage the emotions – anxiety, hurt, disappointment, guilt, and anger – and don’t let them take control.  It is hard to try something new or make changes if we allow our emotions to dominate. That does not mean we ignore the emotions, but to work through them. For example, if you have a hot temper then be sure to take timeouts and do not allow yourself to say something in anger. Better to say nothing then to destroy, once again, a relationship you care about. If you struggle with high anxiety, then get support to face difficult situations and take small steps to making changes. Writing, drawing, making collages, or discussing problems with others are good ways to managing emotions. There are also many good self-help books on this subject, so choose what feels right for you.

Be honest with yourself about flaws in yourself and others. Look at your part in those problem situations and what you could do differently. Chip away at the old behaviors and find small ways to change. An example could be pleasing others to control them. You could learn to be more direct for what you want or need. Or rationalizing one’s moodiness where instead you could develop guidelines for minimizing the moods and how they impact others.

Be the best you can be to yourself and others. As “Dear Abby” advice columnist Abigail Van Buren once said, “The best index to a person’s character is (a) how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can’t fight back.” It is extremely easy to be loving and kind to those who are loving back or can give us something we want or need. A good way to be our best is to look at our motives. What do we want out of the situation? What is driving us?

Find a balance between work, relationships and private time and do not allow just one to dominate. Many people depend so heavily upon their work or relationships to define who they are. It is important to expand our horizons by nurturing all aspects of our lives, whether developing a hobby, going to a play, or taking a community college class. We need to be able to feel more comfortable with ourselves when we are alone, with others or at work.

Let go and forgive resentments, anger, and betrayal because it is vital for healthy relationships and a healthy self. It can be extremely hard to forgive, but carrying hate and sorrow is pretty damaging to the soul and body. Many people keep score on what others do or do not do in their personal and business relationships. This is very destructive and only deepens the wounds. Regardless of the offense, eventually it is necessary to let go and forgive.

Forgiving and accepting yourself with all your perceived imperfections. Constantly beating yourself up for your weaknesses is not going to help you to become a better person. It sounds like an old cliché to say to love yourself more, however that is exactly what we must strive to do every day. Some people have not grown up in homes where we have learned to love ourselves. Quite to the contrary, we learn how to obsess on our flaws. That needs to be changed and there are ways to show love to ourselves. One way is to take one weakness a week and make it ok to have that weakness. Strive to replace each self-criticism with a loving positive statement to yourself. For example, if you are overweight – learn to be more supportive to yourself. If a friend had a similar problem, how would you talk to that friend? Probably more caring and loving then how you talk to yourself. Strive to balance out the obsessions of the negatives with accepting statements.

Explore and discover why you do what you do. Ask yourself questions to gain more insight. For example, after an upsetting situation, ask yourself what really upset you about what happened and keep asking until you get to the bottom line. You may be surprised why something or someone really bothered you. Seeking support may be needed to help gain new perspectives and ideas.

These are just a few ideas to help with the healing process so we can learn to trust in ourselves more and improve our relationships. If you get stuck working on an issue, do not hesitate to turn to others to work through the problem. Support from friends, family, clergy, and counselors is very helpful in overcoming our obstacles.

Learning To Fly

Finally, here is a story that expresses how we forget to trust our natural talents and qualities. We have a sweet cockatoo that struggles with the need to fly and her lack of trust in her natural flying abilities. She seems to both like and dislike this activity. When we pick her up, she tries to avoid this subject by running up to our shoulders. That way we cannot hold her up to see if she would like to fly. However, many times she will take off suddenly and fly quite gracefully. Afterwards, she always sternly squawks at us as if to say, “How could you let me do that? You know I can’t really fly!”

So, I leave you with this thought: How often do you convince yourself that you cannot fly, when you really can? To quote what President Abraham Lincoln said 160 years ago: “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” The same can be said for self-esteem. Happy flying!

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2021 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, Santa Monica, CA, (310) 453-6556, [email protected] & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires and staff development. LCS can test in 19 different languages, provide domestic and international interpersonal coaching, and offer a variety of workshops – team building, interpersonal communication, stress and time management, leadership training as well as our business consulting for higher productivity. Our team of inter-disciplinary specialists are ready to help raise the effectiveness of critical functions in your organization such as sales, customer service, operations, and IT.

Ellen Borowka, MA, Senior Analyst and Co-Founder of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC, constantly remains focused on the mission statement: “To bring effective insight to your business.” Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC does this through the use of in-depth work style and personality assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC can test in 19 different languages, provide domestic and international interpersonal coaching, and offer a variety of workshops such as team building, interpersonal communication, and stress management. Ellen has more than 20 years of data analysis and business consulting experience and is the co-author of the books, Cracking the Personality Code, Cracking the Business Code, and Cracking the High-Performance Team Code. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

 

Managing Your Anger

By Ellen Borowka

Anger is a big problem for many people. It’s a very powerful emotion. We see that in the destructive ways some people handle their anger. From violent crimes to domestic violence to everyday home and work situations, anger is very unpredictable. It seems to explode almost out of nowhere. So, it’s not surprising then that we have almost an instinctive fear of anger.man kicking computer

First, it may be helpful to understand that anger is not the same as violence or rage or being out of control. For example, when someone explodes with anger, this is just one way – a destructive way – to deal with one’s anger. And there are many other equally unhealthy ways, but none provide the satisfaction we hope for. Anger is simply one of our basic emotions, just like joy and sadness. If we start by thinking of emotions as neither good or bad then we can change how we interact with our anger. What is important is how we do or don’t express anger. That is what gets us into trouble.

It’s helpful to get a sense of what anger is all about. One definition is that anger is a strong passion or emotion of displeasure that is excited by a sense of injury or insult. So, there is usually an element of hurt involved in anger. Injury and anger are the two sides of the emotional coin: We seldom feel angry without also feeling hurt (insulted, injured) to some degree, and we seldom experience hurt without feeling anger (displeasure, hostility, and irritation). The same can be true of fear, fear ties closely to anger just like hurt. One reason for this is that one can feel weak and powerless when feeling hurt or fearful, whereas one usually feels powerful and strong through anger. So, anger seems to be an easier emotion to tolerate.

Another definition describes anger as a strong surge of feeling marked by an impulse to outward expression and often accompanied by complex bodily reactions. Anger is so insistent to be expressed that if we do not voluntarily express it in healthy ways, the emotional system will make endless attempts to express it in any possible way, including destructive and painful ones.

There are many different ways people deal with their anger, which are very unhealthy. The following are some of those ways:

Unfocused Anger: This is when we take our anger out on whoever or whatever is nearby. It’s the classic “kicking the trashcan because you’re mad at your spouse” maneuver. People may do things like beat up their car or yell at their secretary when actually they are mad at someone else. This kind of anger gets passed along too, like when the husband yells at the wife, who yells at the kids, who yells at the family pet.

Suppressing Anger: Another unhealthy way to deal with anger is when we stuff it down, bury it or mask it with other emotions. Suppression doesn’t complete the anger and in fact, seems to put the whole emotional system in a state of suppression. Our emotions don’t operate independently of other emotions, any more than our organs function in isolation from each other. So when we suppress one emotion, then we suppress them all to some extent. When we suppress our anger, it may feel like it’s gone, until something triggers the memory of the incident that is the source of the stored anger. Then the anger comes to the surface in full force until we can bury it again.

Anger Filter: When we store up anger, this can become a filter between us and the outside world, which colors everything as hostile and scary. We begin to see the world as cold and unfriendly where we have to guard ourselves against others. This filter also distorts our messages to the point where others hear our anger more than our love or support. This filter acts as a wall that alienates us from others.

Anger Wants Out: No matter how much we bury our anger, it will find a way to come out. It may create a physical illness like ulcers or a mental one like depression, guilt or a form of fear. Somehow it will dig its way out.

Parental Influences: Just like many other things in our lives, our style of anger was shaped and formed by different influences, and being able to see those influences helps us to change our style. One influence is our family. Most of us learn our emotional responses from our parents. We start learning ways to act and react when we are very young. We may copy our parents’ and others’ behavior. If Dad yelled alot or Mom bottled up her anger or Grandpa was always irritable, we may think this is how people deal with their anger and we may do likewise. If we were taught that anger is bad then we may deny our anger. Or we may look at how our parents handled anger and decide to respond in an opposite way, but not necessarily a much better way.

So, now that we have a better understanding of our anger, it’s helpful to become more aware of what triggers it and how we can handle it. The first exercise looks at the current people climbing mountainsources of anger and how we express it. Make three columns, title the first column,”What I’m Mad About…”, the second, “The Way I Show My Anger”, and the third column, “Why Do I Feel So Angry” then make a list under each. In the third column, consider what is going on underneath the anger. You probably feel hurt, what’s underneath the hurt? What expectations and needs are being neglected?

The second exercise is to help you to explore what anger is to you. Write at the top of a piece of paper, “Anger is…” then list out your beliefs, perceptions, and concepts you have about it. What you believe about anger will impact how you deal with it. If you believe that one should never, ever lose one’s temper, then that will influence how you express or suppress your anger. Next, look at where you learned these beliefs and your style of expressing anger. Explore the roots of your anger and hurt by asking yourself, “What does this situation remind me of from my past?” If we feel betrayed by a friend, perhaps someone from the past has done something very similar. Past anger and hurt usually fuels current anger and hurt.

Now that you have explored your anger, what do you want to change about it? Write some things you want to change and make a list of small steps to make the change you want. Implement the first step and continue with that until you feel ready for the next one. Some small steps might include taking 30 minute timeouts, walking around the block, and writing, drawing or sculpting your anger out. The last step continues your exploration of anger, which helps to manage it. Journal or use clay, paints or collage to create a picture of your anger. Always seek support and a realistic perspective from friends, counselors or clergy when dealing with difficult situations.

I have found the following quote to be very helpful in understanding anger, “…if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another…” – Galatians. Don’t let anger take over and devour all that is good in your life. When we let anger consume our lives, then we lose the essence of life.

This article contains some modified concepts from “Freedom from Anger” by Dr. Roger Daldrup and Dodie Gust.

Permission is needed from Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC to reproduce any portion provided in this article. © 2014 This information contained in this article is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Ellen Borowka, MA, Senior Analyst of Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC and her organization constantly remain focused on their mission statement – “To bring effective insight to your organization”. They do this through the use of in-depth work style assessments to raise the hiring bar so companies select the right people to reduce hiring and management errors. They also have a full service consulting division that provides domestic and international interpersonal coaching, executive onboarding, leadership training, global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training, operational productivity improvement, 360s and employee surveys as well as a variety of workshops. Ellen has over 15 years of data analysis and business consulting experience and is the co-author of the books, “Cracking the Personality Code” and “Cracking the Business Code”. To order the books, please visit www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

If you would like additional information on this topic or others, please contact your Human Resources department or Lighthouse Consulting Services LLC, 3130 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 550, Santa Monica, CA 90403, (310) 453-6556, [email protected] & our website: www.lighthouseconsulting.com.

Lighthouse Consulting Services, LLC provides a variety of services, including in-depth work style assessments for new hires & staff development, team building, interpersonal & communication training, career guidance & transition, conflict management, 360s, workshops, and executive & employee coaching. Other areas of expertise: Executive on boarding for success, leadership training for the 21st century, exploring global options for expanding your business, sales and customer service training and operational productivity improvement.